Hold Yourself Together
by LeyTheFlea
Summary: Karkat is undeniably depressed and has been isolating himself more than usual. When friends get worried and try to help, he only hides himself away more. When someone exposes his secret method of relief, will he bounce back to being the angry, expletive Karkat they love? Or plummet to the point of no return? (trigger warning: self harm, suicide, eating disorder) (romance later on)
1. Chapter 1

_First ever fanfiction. If there are errors, please tell me. If you are unaware, this is in second person, with the "you" describing Karkat. It's quick, but that's because I can't do pacing haha Oh I fixed the format errors I am very sorry. I you can give me a review I'd be very grateful._

You wake up feeling worse than you did the day before. The pain in your chest is throbbing, threatening to burst like some horror movie shit. You don't want to deal with these emotions, they are too much to handle. It's better to feel nothing at all, right?

You reach over to your wallet and reach inside it, pulling out a tiny razor blade. You got this from Kanaya when you had asked her for a pencil sharpener, and it only took you a few minutes to get back to your room and extract the tiny blade. It was easily hidden, and worked very efficiently. As you pull the blade out you look at it, acknowledging the crusted blood left over from last time. You probably should get that shit cleaned up properly. After staring at it for a minute or however fucking long it's been, you roll up your shorts so your thigh is exposed, and add a few more gashes to the skin. Your grey skin is already darkly discoloured from the sheer amount of scars here. A few more won't hurt, right? You add a few more to get a total of five new cuts. No-one will know. No matter how many times they check your wrists, you're clean. Oh, how fucking clean.

After grabbing a grey sweatshirt and black jeans, you drop the blade on the bed and you go to take a shower, being careful to keep your bloody leg out of the water for now. After getting soap and water over the rest of your skinny body, you put your blooded leg in the water, letting out a small gasp from the pain that explodes up your thigh. Soap and water inside a new cut are painful, but you deserve it, don't you? After the agony fades you scrub your thigh so that any blood is washed off, then you get out of the shower and dry off, dressing up in the clothes you left for yourself.

Someone's at the door. "Shit!" you hiss and consider hiding inside the bathroom and pretending that there's no-one there, but what if it's someone like Gamzee? After debating whether or not to answer the door for a few seconds, you begrudgingly answer the door.

The door opens a few inches, the metal chain lock keeping it from opening further. Oh. Oh look who it fucking is. Fucking red pajamas and stupid fucking blond hair. "Strider."

"Hey Karkitty what's up?"

You glare, "Why the fuck are you here, shitbag?"

"You haven't been around school since the start of this semester." Straight to the point, you see.

Nah. You don't want to deal with this absolute horseshit. You shut the door on his smug little face. Of course immediately after you hear knocking, alongside a mocking "Karkitty!" Oh my FUCKING GOD he's unbearable.

You open the door a few inches again. "I'm taking online schooling now." That's not a lie, you really are. You don't want to tell him why.

"Why?" he sticks his hand on the door frame, "What happened? Let me in."

You slam the door on his fingers, only feeling bad about it when he screams. The door is opened once again. Fuck, all the cool air is gonna leave. "Go away Strider I am not in the mood."

His face exhibits concern, "But Karkat," oh he used your real name instead of that ridiculous nickname, "you won't be at the table at lunch."

"Who cares?" your voice is practically monotone.

He flinches a little bit at your response, "I care."

Fucking liar. You shut the door on him, making sure his hands won't be smashed this time. He starts up the incessant knocking again, but you refuse to answer. Fuck it, there's no way he cares. That shitbiscuit is just trying to guilt you into going back to that hellhole they call school. No, you won't have it. You won't believe his goddamn lies.

You make your way to your room, where you won't have to listen to the knocking, and you start up some music. Just enough to not have to hear the stupid knocking. It's a good thing you don't have a roommate, they surely wouldn't approve of you locking someone out or using the chain lock for that matter. Plus only you have the key, so no fuckers can break in. You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep.

You wake up after about an hour, the alarm you used last semester blaring out 7 o'clock. You'd be late if you actually had to go anywhere, but now you don't. Good. You slam the off button and get up, wincing slightly at the pain in your thigh, but mostly ignoring the pain. You grab your laptop and sit on the couch, enjoying the absolute peace and quiet. Nobody asking you how you feel, or if you're okay. None of that pity party bullshit.

There's a knock on the door.

You slam your computer closed and squeeze your eyes shut from the pure fury you feel. Oh MY FUCKING GOD. With a heavy sigh you stand up and open the door a few inches again.

"Hey!" it's Egbert. Of all the motherfuckers it had to be it's that nerdy ass Egbert.

"Go fuck yourself." you shut the door. At least he has the courtesy not to knock again like that fucking Strider. You open your laptop again and start to type in the name of your online class when pesterchum pops up, from none other than EB.

[ectoBiologist began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 7:13 AM]

EB: Rude.

CG: GO THE FUCK AWAY, EGBERTS. CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?

EB: Why'd you make Dave mad?

EB: He said you slammed his hand in the door.

EB: That's rude, dude.

CG: WELL FUCKING GREAT HE'S A WHINY ASS PRICK.

CG: WHEN SOMEONE SHOVES THEIR HAND IN MY DOOR

CG: I DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO SUCH HORSESHIT

CG: HE FUCKING DESERVED IT.

EB: No that's just mean.

EB: You're just mean.

CG: OUCH. I'M HURT. YOUR WORDS MEAN FUCKING THE WORLD TO ME.

CG: YOU FUCKING SHITBAG.

CG: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

EB: Why aren't you coming to school?

CG: WHY AREN'T YOU AT SCHOOL DIPSHIT

EB: Free period.

CG: ASK STRIDER HE FUCKING KNOWS.

CG: BUT SINCE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO ASK.

CG: I HAVE FUCKING ONLINE SCHOOL YOU DUMBASS

CG: GETTING MY SCHOLARLY KNOWLEDGE WITHOUT YOU BITCHES

EB: …

EB: Okay.

CG: GOOD FUCKING DAY

CG: NOW GO THE FUCK AWAY

EB: Jeez I'm your friend!

EB: I'm just worried about you.

EB: Even Terezi is worried you weren't there before school where we always are.

CG: DON'T BRING HER INTO THIS

CG: SHE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE

CG: SHE NEVER CARED AT ALL ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKER I AM

EB: Karkat please

CG: STOP IT EGBERT

EB: Karkat just come to school! We miss you!

CG: LEAVE ME ALONE

CG: I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU

CG: ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS IF I'M PRESENTABLE ENOUGH

EB: Let me in so we can talk in person please

EB: It would be easier

CG: FINE

[carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 7:17 AM]

You angrily close out of the program. You don't want to deal with him being a total dumbass. Is everyone out to just spite you? Fuck them all, you don't need any of them. You get up and unlock the chain lock before opening the door. You're aware of your grit teeth, and stupid Egbert is just standing there holding his stupid little phone. "Get your fucking ass inside you piece of shit."

He seems to disregard your attitude as he steps inside, and once you shut the door behind yourself he immediately grabs one of your arms and pulls the sleeve up, seemingly relieved that there are no marks. You pull your arms away from him, "Is that how you sons of bitches greet each other?"

"I'm just being cautious, Karkat-"

"Tell me whatever the hell you needed to say so I can get back to my motherfucking day!"

He grabs your shoulders, "Karkat what did you mean when you said we only care about how 'presentable' you are?"

You shove his hands off your shoulders, absolutely filled with rage. You can feel your face becoming red-tinted from how fucking angry you are. "YOU JUST CHECKED MY ARMS BEFORE EVEN SAYING HELLO!"

He makes you sit on the couch, "Shh not so loud. What does that have to do with anything?"

You cannot believe how fucking dull this piece of shit kid it. "Idiot! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!" he makes another attempt to shush you, "You don't even say hello before you fucking make sure I haven't done anything to myself! Are my looks all that matter to you?!"

"No, Karkat! Listen, please don't be so stubborn. It's not your looks we care about it's if you're okay or not. This is the easiest way to do so."

Oh if only he knew about your thighs. You're tempted to tell him, but you don't want him to know at the same time. He'll tell others. You'll be forced into things you don't want, like therapy. You sit there with your fists clenched and your shoulders hunched and your teeth grinding, looking away from his stupid face. He rests a hand on your shoulder and you shrug him off, looking back at him in anger, "Fuck off."

Egbert sighs and stands up looking around your tiny little apartment. "Not bad," he starts to go into your room.

"Egbert I let you in to talk, not to give you a fucking tour," you get up after him and rush in. He's standing in your room, looking around at your blank walls. He sits down on your bed and jumps back up quickly after letting out a yelp.

You forgot to put the blade away.

Panic seizes your body so no matter how desperately you want to move you can't. He looks under himself and grabs the tiny, blood-crusted blade that jabbed into his ass. "Karkat." he states, not even questioningly, almost as if he simply can't believe it. "But your arms?"

The panic that had seized you up is now beginning to make you feel like vomiting. You feel absolutely sick to your stomach, and you are aware of the fact that your grey face is probably equivalent to John's skin with how pale you are. "Th- That's just from a fucking broken sharpener I was going to th- throw it away." you grab it from him, having to fight a little bit for the blade.

He stares at you as if he wants to believe you, "Karkat..." his voice trails off into uncertainty.

Silence fills the room as you try to keep yourself composed, try to prevent John from panicking. You're calling him John now, because you're fucking serious. He sits there and stares at you, and you stare right back. You notice you're shaking, and you wonder if he notices too.

He gives you a small smile, "You're just pulling strings and pranking me now, right?"

You keep your mouth shut and don't move at all. The shaking intensifies.

"...right?"

You take the opportunity to split, running out of the room and to the bathroom, locking the door behind you before he can get in. John hurries after you, trying to catch you, but he's too distraught to get a hold of you. You press your back against the door to keep it shut, as if afraid the lock won't hold.

"Please tell me you haven't cut yourself before!" he sounds absolutely dismayed./p

You look at the door, knowing he and his stupid blue pajamas are on the other side. "I- I can't-"

"KARKAT!" he screams at you, full of more anger and distress than before.

You abandon the door and hurry over to the toilet, lifting up the lid to vomit, the sheer panic and fear causing you to be more scared of him than you have been of anything. The only thing that comes up from your stomach is foamy water, from the water you drank last night. You haven't eaten in over a day, and you know you won't be able to eat for a while. Your stomach twists and pains you, and you feel so scared that you're surprised you haven't passed out. He continues to pound on the door. "Don't you dare do anything in there just- just slide the blade under the door."

You can't do that. You can't give him any more power over you than he already has. You want out of this situation and there's a couple ways out. You could go quietly and do as he says, then get sent to therapy? Fuck no. You could bust the door open and try to knock him out? Nah, wind powers would surpass you. You could climb out the window? There's no window. You could die?

You could die. Your mind tells you that's the only way out of this fucking mess. If you die, you won't have to deal with any of it any more. No doubt John's already contacting everyone around him, telling them all your dirty little secret. You have to go now. NOW.

You grab the knife and pull the jacket off, then start making cuts along your arm, making sure it's vertical from the wrist down the length of your arm. As you always said, sideways for attention, longways for results. Your panic morphs into anger and begins to seep into your arms as you cut deeper and faster, the red blood bubbling up through the gashed skin. You move to your other arm, cutting the same amount into that arm too. There were ten new cuts on each arm, all of them deep and some of them hitting larger veins. As you watch the blood seep down your arms into your palms, you feel all the pain in your chest disappearing. All the emotions, even the panic you felt, disappears as if you were bleeding emotions instead of your life force. You lie down on the white tile, your arms on the floor beside you. You slowly curl up, holding your arms close to you as if trying to hide them, or protect them. You close your eyes and your consciousness begins to fade as John's voice frantically mixes with his pounding on the door, morphing into bland white noise.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N Chapter 2, sorry if it's a little slow, I'm working on the next chapter and there's a lot more excitement! Just trying some better pacing techniques. Give me some advice! I hope you enjoy~ Oh if there's a bit of a formatting error I will fix it quickly, don't give up on me!_

You hear sounds as the fuzziness in your brain begins to fade. Is that a voice? Where the fuck are you? You realize you're alive. SHIT. Your little stunt didn't work, someone must have healed you or taken you to the hospital. Oh fucking hell things could not possibly get worse. Great going, Vantas. You slowly open one of your eyes and you see Nepeta sitting in a chair, talking on a phone. There's no chair in your room. This isn't your room. With a little bit of pain you sit up properly, letting out a small groan from the pain felt in your wrists.

Nepeta looks at you and sets down the phone, her face absolutely unreadable, "Karkitty?"

You glare at her, "Where the fucking hell am I?" your voice is taut and pained.

"The hospital. John called me-ow and Equius. Eq had to break your door in order to get in. I'm purretty sorry," she gives you a small smile that fades away quickly.

"Fuck," is all you can muster. You try to get out of the bed but she hurries over and pushes you gently back in. "Nepeta, just fucking let me go, goddamn it!"

She has a stern expression on her face, "Not so loud, and you're not allowed out of the bed."

You go to grab onto her arm, and once you start to grip her your arms radiate pain. You wince and pull your arms back, holding them close to your chest. There are bandages coating your forearms, and you wonder just how deep you got. That whole scene in the bathroom is a blur to you now.

After giving her one last death glare, you turn over onto your side away from her and hold your arms close, pulling your knees up closer to your chest. She lets out a sigh and goes to sit on the corner of the bed. "Karkitty we need to talk about this."

"Fuck no, bitch."

Her voice steels a little, "I will get Rose."

That's not a threat to be taken lightly. That Lalonde is something to be feared when it comes to psychological matters. "Fuck it, I'd rather fucking talk to you than deal with that fucking witchbitch."

She scoots a little bit closer, "Then tell me why you did this."

You give her a long and loud huff before sitting up again, keeping your arms in close, "I- I think my fucking mind decided 'hey motherfucker let's do this because this shit is totally the only fucking way out of this situation. No fucking way anyone will get to you in time even though fucking Egbert was literally right fucking there'." Your voice is shaky as you speak, and you can feel yourself getting angrier with each expletive you let loose.

"So you decided to try to commit suicide," she says blankly, as if trying to make it a topic lighter than it really was. "That was...sad," it's apparent in her voice how utterly disappointed she is in you.

Your eyes begin to sting when she says that. "Yeah, it was. Now that I think about it I can't fucking believe I tried to pull that bullshit," you say with a voice shakier than Eridan's. You put one of your hands over your eyes, trying to prevent any red tears. Men don't cry. You press your fingers down harder over your eyes, which succeeds in stopping any tears. She puts one of her hands on your shoulders and you shrug it off. You don't need any of her concern.

"Want me to get someone like Dave?"

You look at her in disbelief, "Why the fuck would Strider help at all?"

"Well," she starts, "you two were purretty close before you ditched us for online school," she has a little smirk both present in her voice and on her smug little face, "maybe he can be of more help than I am."

Strider would be better than Lalonde. "Fine, whatever, just fucking leave me alone."

She gets up from where she's sitting on the bed and leaves the room, pulling out her phone as she does. You can only assume who she's calling. Could be Strider, could be fucking Feferi for all you know. As you sit there waiting, you start to wonder why you're even waiting. No-one's here, you could probably make a daring escape. No, that's bullshit. Last time you tried a fucking stunt you ended up bulge deep in the horseshit you're in now. If you had complied with Egbert you could have made it out of here so much better. No, you're not going to try that. You're going to see where being a compliant little bitch gets you.

After about ten minutes of angrily waiting, fucking Dave Strider walks through the door. At least he's not wearing his fucking red god-tier pajamas any more. Those are so fucking stupid. No. he's in a stupid little white shirt with red long sleeves and some dark red jeans. He's such a fucking poser.

"Hey Shouty," his voice is practically dripping with that fake concern exhibited by someone who has intense pity for you. He's talking to you like you're a child.

"Strider," you mutter, keeping your legs close and your arms closer.

He sits on the chair in the room and lies one arm over the back of it, sitting the coolest way possible someone can sit in a green plush armchair. "Nepeta said you're still angry? At least you're your usual self."

You scowl at him and bare your teeth, "Fuck off, shitbiscuit, I don't need your prissy commentary."

He laughs. Laughs! Can you believe that bullshit? "Yep, you're okay. Well, somewhat okay." He's so fucking snarky you may have to personally cut his throat so shut him up. "Want to talk about what happened?"

"No! I already fucking did!"

"And you almost cried, didn't you?" he has a slight smile. Oh he must fucking love making fun of you. "Y'know, they say crying helps."

You turn around so your back is to him. Goddamn him you fucking hate his guts. "Men don't fucking cry."

He gets up and walks over to you, putting one of his hands on your shoulder, "Good thing you're a boy, not a man."

You try to shrug his arm off of you but he has an iron grip, "It's okay, Vantas," he says with his stupid fucking chill voice, "you've been through a lot, no judgment. Just talk about it again, I want to hear it from you, not from the cat girl."

It would probably be better to just be compliant again. So far you haven't done anything majorly stupid, or worsened your situation by much. That's a fucking surprise. "Look," you hiss out through clenched teeth, "I was fucking desperate, okay? My mind thought a lot of bullshit and my rationality must have fucking been turned the fuck off, so I did what I thought would get me out of this horseshit situation. Well, fuck me, I made everything about 413 times worse than it was be-fucking-fore!" your voice is getting shaky again, "I know I'm fucking stupid and disappointing and- and-" you have to stop before you cry. If you were ever going to fucking cry it would not be in front of fucking Strider.

He turns you around so you're facing him and pulls you into a hug, resting your head on his chest. You try to pull away but he keeps you there, and you decide to just go with it. Compliance is key, remember? You keep your arms close to your chest and close your eyes, which causes a few tears to fall. Fuck. You breathe in shakily and he gives you reassuring "it's okay"s and shushes. For some reason this makes you feel worse, and with those few tears before having already fallen it's like someone let loose a dam. There's definitely more coming and you won't be able to stop it.

You push him away as you begin to sob, but he just pulls you back and tries to comfort you again. You grab onto his shoulders and dig into his clothing with your nails, trying to keep him there yet punishing him for being there. You press your head into his chest, and the pressure from that helps stop the red tears from flowing as much. Your body is being racked with sobs, and your chest is starting to hurt. You don't want to feel these emotions any more. You let go of his shoulders and pull your arms back to your chest, and you use your nails to try to dig into your arms. He doesn't take notice of it at first, but when you start to shake from the exertion he notices.

"Karkat no," his voice is quiet yet firm as he grabs your hands and stops you from hurting yourself. Your arms are indented slightly where your nails were, but they weren't sharp enough to puncture. "Please, don't."

You feel more tears fall down your cheek as you look down in shame, and he keeps his grip on your hands. You try to pull away from him, "I- I just don't want to f- fucking feel any more..." your last word ends with a choking sob.

He sets your hands down in your lap and puts one of his hands on your chin, making you look at him. You swat his hand away and look down at an angle, feeling completely ashamed. Your face is burning from embarrassment, you can't believe you're fucking crying over this bullshit. He puts one of his hands on your shoulder and the other on the side of your face, and makes you look at him. "Vantas don't be ashamed," his voice is still completely chill and smooth, almost making you feel calmed down just listening to him, "everything is okay, bro."

You grit your teeth and practically snarl, "Everything's not alright, I," you take a sharp breath, "fucked everything up."

He gives you a smile and a small laugh, "Don't be so dramatic. You didn't fuck anything up."

"But-"

"No buts!" he announces.

You open your mouth to argue, but he puts his hand over your mouth to shush you. "I need to say something without you butting in every few seconds."

You sigh and close your mouth. Wow that's a first, huh? You look at him with lidded eyes. "Well?"

"Either we can send you to a mental hospital to recover from your attempt," the shock in your eyes must have prompted him to continue, "or we can have someone constantly check up on you. That means having you give up some personal space. What do you want?"

Nice fucking choices. You cross your arms over your chest and look away from him, "I'll take the fucking latter of the choices."

He nods understandingly. It wasn't really much of a hard decision to fucking make, though. He makes you look at him again, "I'll be your little guardian angel then."

Hell fucking no. Not fucking Strider. He may be your bro but that's going a little into matesprit territory. Wait, what? Don't fucking think of him that way. You swing at him with a fist and he grabs your wrist to stop you, before realizing how bad that is for you. Your face contorts into an expression of agony, "FUCK!" you yell before holding your throbbing wrist close to your chest.

"Aaaugh I am so sorry," he looks guilty over having hurt you, "but don't swing at me, bro."

You move back so you're pressed against the pillows that propped you up, "I don't fucking want anyone there. I was completely okay before any of you bothered me. None of this bullshit would have happened if you'd all stayed out of my fucking business." Your voice is strained and you feel on the verge of losing it again.

He stands up off the bed and walks over to the door, "Too bad. It's either me or John, and I know I'm better than John." He leaves with a smirk, shutting the door quietly behind himself.

You lie down on your side, curled up in a ball, hoping there are no more visitors for you. You've definitely had more than enough socialization for the rest of your life, perhaps. You close your eyes, and let the tears fall again.


	3. Chapter 3

Apparently you fell asleep, since you jerk awake to a hand shaking your shoulder. "Fuck," you mutter before swatting the hand off your shoulder, "what the hell is it with you goddamn idiots touching me?" You turn to see who it is.

It's a doctor, who looks genuinely offended, "Wake up, you're leaving soon." He disconnects you from the machines in the room and exits without another word. You're so fucking good at offending others.

You get out of bed and stand on shaky legs. How long have you been here? Your stomach begins to growl but you hit it to stop it. You are not hungry. After taking a swift examination of the room, you notice that your clothes you wore before, now clean, are neatly folded in the chair. Thank God you can change. You grab the clothes and stand near the door, blocking it so that no-one can walk in. You strip down from the hospital garb and dress in your grey sweatshirt and black jeans as quick as you can, regardless of how much it hurts your arms. You'd rather deal with a little bit of pain than someone walking in on you. Do they know about your thighs?

Are you supposed to wait in the room or leave? You figure you'd just leave. No use in waiting for any fucking people to show up. You open the door and peer out into the hallway. Just doctors doing their business. You could probably slip by unnoticed. A troll won't stick out very much in a mixed race hospital. As you step out into the hallway you pull your sleeves down further over your hands just in case the bandages show. No-one pays you any heed as you walk. You feel yourself shaking a little more, but you try your best to hide it. You keep glancing around to make sure you don't see anyone you recognize. After wandering around for nearly five minutes you find the entrance to the hospital and leave, not even bothering to go through the sign out process. You don't want to get caught, or have a doctor hold you there so you can be 'escorted home' by someone you know. Slipping out the door is easy, and nobody stops you. As a precautionary measure, you pull your hood up over your head and look down as you walk. Hopefully nobody will know it's you.

The sky is getting darker, and the clouds are slate against the ultramarine sky. It must be around 10 at night. A breeze picks up, so you cross your arms over your chest to help against the chill. You should probably get home soon. You speed up your pace and walk against the wind, going towards where you know your apartment to be. It's at least 3 miles away, so you expect to get home around 11 if you're lucky. Perhaps 11:30 with this weather the way it is, and you so shaky. Why are you so fucking shaky anyways?

After walking for about 20 minutes a car pulls up beside you. Shit, this could be really bad. You stop walking and spare a glance into the car, but you can't make out who it is in there. No way you're getting kidnapped today. Fuck no. You turn away from the car and begin to speed walk away from it when you hear the automated window roll down.

"Karkat!" It's Egbert. "Where's Dave?"

You stop walking and look at him through the car window, "How the fuck should I know?"

"He went to pick you up...Karkat did you leave on your own?" He gives you a confused look.

You stand still for a moment before turning away and continuing to walk. He drives alongside you. "Karkat," man he won't stop, "get in."

"Like fucking hell I will," you yell at him, continuing to walk.

He puts the car into park and starts to get out. Clearly he's taking you down. Fuck it, you're making a stunt. You're absconding. You take off sprinting into the city, running through the alleys where a car can't follow. A wind kid can, though. If only you'd managed to god tier you could be out of here. You dodge around corners on shivering legs and keep running, not knowing where you are. You could be in fucking China for all you know. Your heart is pounding and you're practically gasping for breath, but you can't run for long. Not eating has definitely taken its toll on your body, and you have to stop after running for about half a mile. Not so good, Vantas. With whatever energy you can muster you duck down behind some garbage cans. Hopefully he didn't follow you this far.

You're desperately trying to get your breath back when you hear someone calling out your name. Probably Egbert. You manually quiet your breathing, but it's hard when you're practically gasping for breath. Oh fucking God you did another stupid stunt. Now you're gonna be in real trouble when he finds you. You curl up as tightly as you can and press yourself as deep into your hiding place as possible.

The voice get's louder. Definitely Egbert. There's someone else too, but you don't care too much for identification at the moment.

You're fucking scared. You feel like vomiting again, but you know there's absolutely nothing in you. You put your head on your knees and close your eyes tightly, hoping everyone will just leave you the fuck alone.

Your body tenses up as you hear footsteps getting closer to where you are. Hopefully they're just walking through the alley and not coming for you. The second voice you heard speaks again, "Where could that dumbass have gotten?"

Shit. Of all the people it was it had to be her. Fucking Spiderbitch. She'll probably be able to find you easier than if you were out wearing black in the middle of an all-white field. You hold your breath and consider running again. Would you rather be caught running or caught hiding like a little bitch.

You're gonna fucking run.

You wait until they walk past you, then you get up slowly and quietly. They haven't noticed you. If it was fucking Terezi then she could have heard your labored breathing from probably 12 miles away. You back away slowly, keeping your eyes on them.

You turn around and start to run when "FUCK!" you ran into a wall. You stupid son of a bitch.

Spiderbitch and Egbert immediately turn around, and oh what a fucking surprise they see you, you stupid motherfucker. You shove away from the wall and start to run, but you are exhausted from your prior sprint. Hands grasp your upper arms and pull you back. "FUCK NO!" you're practically screaming now, you're so fucking mad, "LET ME FUCKING GO!"

"Stop squirming you stupid wriggler," that's Spiderbitch talking, "we're helping you."

Your chest is heaving from how roughly you are breathing, "How the fuck is this helping?!" you continue to fight against her, but you're weak compared to her. You can't do this. You stop fighting.

She smiles, "Better."

They walk you back to Egbert's car. Vriska has one hand gripping your shoulder, and John has one hand gripping your arm. Aren't you a riot? They shove you into the back seat and Egbert waves goodbye to Spiderbitch as he drives.

"Karkat," his voice is condescending, "why are you so difficult sometimes?"

"Why are you so FUCKING LAME? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" Definitely not one of your better comebacks.

He sighs heavily, "We do this because we care about y-"

"BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!"

"Karkat!"

You exhale a sigh that comes out more as an angry groan, "If I'm so fucking difficult why do you motherfuckers even fucking bother with me? I'm just a piece of shit."

He continues to drive without making any comments.

"Egbert!"

Still no response.

"JOHN!"

"Fucking hell, Karkat! Stop with the self loathing for one fucking day!" you've definitely pissed him off. John doesn't usually swear, at least you don't think he does. You open your mouth to argue when he continues, "I saved your life, I go out of my way to make sure you're safe, and what thanks do I get? Running, swearing, and insults. You're so ungrateful, Karkat."

Ungrateful.

You close your mouth and pull your legs up to your chest, crossing your arms across your body.

Ungrateful.

After a few seconds you let out a shaky sigh, "I'm sorry," your voice is quiet, "Thank you, John. I'm sorry for how I've acted."

"Just stop talking."

You close your mouth. Man you've fucked this up bigger than you thought possible. If even John can get mad at you, oh jeez. For the whole ride back to your apartment you sit still and silent. It's hard not to talk, but you don't want to piss him off even more. Although currently it seems like your very existence pisses him off. One thought keeps going through your mind. 'Ungrateful'. He called you ungrateful. Maybe you are. Maybe you're a selfish son of a bitch. Doesn't everyone already know that though? You continue to dwell over the word when he stops the car. "We're here." His voice is softer than before, and doesn't have the hard edge it did before. Maybe he's not mad at you any more? You get out of the car and look at him, then you open your mouth to say thanks but close it right after. He told you to stop talking, so you're going to do that. But he also called you ungrateful. Will you be ungrateful if you don't say thanks? You settle with a little wave before you walk up the steps to your apartment.

After you walk inside, you turn on the light. Nobody's here. Good, finally some peace and quiet. You hesitantly walk to the bathroom and look inside. Nobody cleaned up the mess, and the door is off its hinges. Looks like you've got some work to do. You grab a few paper towels and wet them down to start scrubbing at the dried blood. You get down on your knees and start to scrub. There's a lot of blood here. How long were you lying here before someone was able to get you?

How much pain did you put others through?

With that guilt in mind, you start to scrub faster, just wanting the stain gone. You begin to remember what happened in the bathroom however many mornings ago that was (you think maybe 2) and you scrunch your eyes closed, not wanting to relive that. As you're furiously scrubbing you send something on the floor sliding across, which hits the wall with a tiny metal 'clang'.

The razor. Nobody picked it up, they were too concerned with you.

You hurriedly grab it and stuff it into your jacket pocket. You can still keep secrets. Nobody has asked about your thighs, they must not know. Your hands are shaking from exhilaration and you continue to scrub the floor until it's clean. The door will have to wait. You stand up once you're finished and toss the paper towels in the garbage before sitting on the lid of the toilet. You pull the razor out.

Ungrateful.

That word and all emotions you feel currently are your fuel. You pull your pants down just enough for the upper part of your right thigh to show, and you make a single, deep cut. You grab a piece of toilet paper and press it onto the wound, hoping to at least collect some of the blood. You feel the guilt from before and the sadness you felt over John seep out into the paper, leaving you an empty, but content shell. After you do it, though, you begin to feel guilty. Maybe you did that too fast? Maybe that was uncalled for. You close your eyes and start feeling bad again, you attention whore.

There's a knock at the door. How familiar. You hurriedly put the blade in your pocket and pull your pants back up, wincing at the pressure pulling on the newly cut skin. You go to the door and open it.

"Hey Karkles," it's Dave.

You keep your mouth firmly clamped shut as you open the door enough for him to come in. All you can think about is what if he noticed? Your pants are black so any darkening shouldn't be very noticeable. You close the door after he comes in.

"Lost your voice?" he sounds concerned, "must have been from all that crying."

"FU-!" you clamp your mouth shut and sit down on the couch in a huff.

He smiles, "Fu-? Did you mean fuck? Fuck as in fuck me? Cause you totally would."

Yeah, you're definitely gonna fucking talk around this son of a bitch. If that fucking Egbert gets pissed off then who the fuck cares? "Fuck you!" You're definitely blushing. Why the fuck are you blushing?

"Ah! There's that angry shout I missed. Speaking of things I missed, I noticed you took it upon yourself to leave the hospital." He looks at you with a very small smile.

You cross your arms over your chest, "Hell yeah I did because I am a competent motherfucker who can take care of himself."

He sits beside you and puts his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to himself, "Well we made a deal though. I need to watch you."

You groan loudly to make your absolute discontent apparent, "Ha. Ha ha."

He traces his fingers over your shoulder, "Is that okay?"

What the fuck is he doing? Are- Are you fucking blushing? You're such a fucking teenage human girl sometimes. You decide to just go with it. It would be better to simply go along with whatever he says. Remember what happened with John. You don't want to lose this bro too. "Yeah."

Surprise radiates from him. He must have expected you to argue. That's all you do anyways. You must be sinking into yourself because he notices and pulls you into his lap.

"Strider wha-"

He silences you with a kiss.

_A/N I feel weird about this chapter because I am afraid I'm going to fast or having too many OOC moments! Especially with John and Vriska! But enjoy the cliffhanger, I'm going to actually make a basic storyline out so I can improve the quality of this story. Don't worry, I have a plan!_


	4. Chapter 4

You shove him away from you. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

What the fuck are _you _doing?

He furrows his brow slightly and grimaces a little bit, "Was I reading the wrong signs?"

"For someone who tries to be fucking cool all the time you sure have a shit sense around me you son of a bitch." No, no you're a liar. You secretly felt thrilled, but you don't want to feel.

He keeps his face calm and collected, you can't tell what's going on in his mind because you can't read his damn eyes. Those fucking glasses completely block off your view of his eyes. "So what do you want to do?" He's still so fucking cool.

What are you gonna fucking do? Pretend it never happened? Or dwell on it? "Well I don't fucking have anything besides a piece of shit computer. And it's my fucking computer." Yep, pretend it never happened. Ease up the awkward for once.

"No TV?"

"TV is for nerds like that shitbiscuit Egbert."

He laughs a little bit at your insult of his best friend. "Strider," you start, "I'm fucking exhausted. Let me go to sleep." You're not really tired, you just want an excuse to be alone.

You stand up and start to walk to your room when he pipes up from behind you, "Have you eaten lately?"

"Of course," you wave him off. Blatant lies, Vantas! How many lies are you gonna tell his guy? You make it to your room without him following or asking any more dumb questions. After plopping your fat ass down on the bed, you take off your sweatshirt. You don't have anything on underneath, you don't usually have to deal with people being around you. You reach into the pocket and pull out the tiny razor, then you place it on the windowsill. It shouldn't be very noticeable. You switch out your jeans for some softer shorts and climb into the bed. You pull the blanket around your shoulders and just lie there on your side, unable to sleep. You miss your trollian bed, this human bed is awkward and uncomfortable. How can anyone sleep so exposed? You rest your head on the pillow and exhale angrily. So fucking stupid.

You lie there on your stomach with your eyes closed and the light on for a little while. You want to turn the light off but that involves getting up, and you are simply too fucking exhausted to get up. You growl a little bit in anger and grab one of the pillows before slamming it down on the back of your head.

Now it's too fucking hot. With a very heavy sigh you chuck the pillow to the other side of the room. It hits the wall with a plush _thwump _and falls to the floor is a soft heap. Fucking pillows goddamn! You lie back on your stomach with your head turned to one side and close your eyes again.

You hear footsteps near your door. God fucking dammit. Probably Strider being a fucking dumbass and 'checking up on you' even though you really have absolutely no need for it.

"Karkat?" his voice is a little louder than a whisper, as if for some reason he thinks you may be asleep.

You're gonna let him believe you are.

You close your eyes and try to slow your breathing. You listen intently to where his footsteps sound from, and get a feeling that he is beside the bed. He pokes you a little bit on your shoulder and you don't do anything. His footsteps fade a little and the light in your room turns off. So, that fucker can do something right for once. You expect to hear the door open and close to signify that he's leaving, but instead the footsteps get a little louder and the part of the bed near your side dips a little bit.

Fuck he's sitting beside you. You are very tempted to open your eyes and jump up to scare him, but you're done with the fucking stunts you've been doing. No more absconding, no more stunts. Just cooperate until they think you're okay, then never make the mistake of letting someone into your house again. He lightly pulls the blanket from over your shoulders down so your back is exposed. You must look scrawny and bony, but if he's got a problem then he'd better confront you about it now. His hand makes contact with your back, and he's very warm. Extremely warm, in fact, almost burning. Must be some human thing. His hand leaves your back enough so just his fingertips are brushing your grey skin, and he traces his fingertips up to your neck, and he scruffs your hair a little bit. You're feeling uncomfortable but at the same time it feels very comforting. Maybe if it wasn't Dave? He rubs your back a little bit before giving you a gentle pat, getting up, and leaving the room.

What the everliving _fuck_ just happened? Is Dave flushed for you? What do you mean 'is he', he definitely is. Or perhaps he's just messing with you because every one of these fuckers absolutely love to mess with you and see you lose your shit. You really have no idea, nor do you have time or energy for this.

Around six in the morning you sit up, deciding to 'wake up'. You spent the rest of last night pondering over whether Strider is red or black flushed for you, deciding on red by the time you 'woke up'. You get up and toss the pillow on the floor back onto your bed. Since you don't know if Strider left last night or stayed (unwelcome) on the couch, you decide to put on a black turtleneck and a different pair of black jeans. You're still uncomfortable with the idea of 'embracing' your blood colour.

You go out into the living room, and lo and behold, guess who's passed out on your couch? Fucking Strider. You're gonna fucking kill him. You stiffly stomp your way over and roll him off the bed and onto the floor, "Rise and shine, douchebag."

He wakes up with a start that is evident in the way he jerks around, but he immediately replaces it with the cool front. He's really fucking committed to this deal, isn't he? "Wh- What time is it?"

"Six in the fucking morning. Regardless of the oh so necessary time announcement, I've noticed that this is my fucking house, not yours, buckethead, now get the fuck out."

He stands up and casually dusts himself off with one hand, "Alright, see you later lover."

"I fucking hate you."

He clicks his tongue against his teeth and points at you before leaving your apartment. Holy shit if this is how things are going to be from now on you might have to move and not tell anyone where you're going.

You sit down on the couch and lean back, closing your eyes. You're fucking exhausted, but you can't sleep. Sleeping is for normal people. You reach down underneath the couch and grab your computer, then you pull it out and turn it on. You've got some pesterchum messages, but you don't feel like doing anything with them. You don't care who's fucking bothering you right now. Everyone can get the fuck out of your way and stay there. You surf the web for a bit, then you check the date. It's Saturday.

This is all very boring. Might as well go through your messages. Just some from a few people from your old friend group, asking how you are doing. You'd respond but they've never shown any interest in you before, so why not treat them the exact same fucking way? A new message pops up from none other than fucking Strider. Man is that kid that obsessed with you? Or maybe he simply has no life?

[ turntechGodhead began pestering carcinoGeneticist ]

TG: hey there

CG: YOU JUST FUCKING LEFT

CG: GIVE ME SOME TIME AWAY FROM THE FREAKSHOW

TG: i want to know why you're pretending you don't have feelings for me

Fuck this.

CG: I AM NOT PRETENDING

CG: I DO NOT CARE AT ALL FOR YOU, SHITBAG.

TG: come on!

TG: don't be a liar

TG: nobody likes liars

TG: liars start fires

TG: do you want to start fires, karkat?

CG: I DO NOT CARE FOR FUCKING FIRES

TG: firefucker

CG: LISTEN

CG: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I DENIED YOUR ADVANCES?

CG: BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG?

TG: yes

CG: I CAN'T REDROM RIGHT NOW BECAUSE FEELING ANYTHING MAKES ME

CG: YOU KNOW

TG: what

CG: YOU FUCKING KNOW DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT

TG: explain

CG: FEELINGS MAKE ME CUT

Maybe that will stop him for a bit.

It does, you don't get a response from him. You sit and wait in front of your computer for a few minutes before just deciding to quit out of the program. You go back to your browser and begin to look stuff up online. The day passes uneventfully, with no response from Strider.

You begin to feel concerned about him before dismissing that feeling. You're fucking obsessing over this guy now, and that's creepy. Around the time the sun goes down, you're feeling anxious.

No, you're feeling. You do not want to feel. You pull up your sleeves and look at your wrists. Still bandaged. Who the fuck cares about the bandage. You tear it off of your wrists and once the stupid reminder is gone, you look down at your arms. The skin is tinged red around the cluster of cuts on each arm and a thick scab has formed over the cuts. They itch a lot, and you have to desperately hold back the desire to scratch it, because if anyone sees that these scabs have been torn off, they'll think you're trying to hurt yourself again. You wonder how big of a scar these are going to leave. The largest cut is about three inches in length, and the smallest is one and a half inches, with all the other cuts being some length in between. Yep, you will be discoloured. But that is your business, and no-one has the right to judge you. It is your body and you will do whatever you want with it.

There's a knock at the door. You quickly yank your sleeves down over your wrists and feel a sharp burst of pain. Yep, you tore a scab. God fucking dammit. Great going, Vantas. You are tempted to pretend that you are asleep, but you know if you deny these fuckers from knowing what's going on with you they'll send you away. After standing up and exhaling loudly, you walk over to the door and open it.

"The fuck do you want, Strider?"

"Just checking up on you, bro."

You glare, "What, that fucking dumbass chat we had online wasn't fucking good enough?"

His face stays calm and collected, giving absolutely no emotion away, "No."

"Well it was enough for me, so if I could get back to my fucking dandy life without you bothering the shit outta me that'd be more than fucking perfect." You have no acceptance for his bullshit today. You are genuinely offended by his mere presence.

"Let me in. If you don't I'll say you were being uncooperative."

You tense up and bare your teeth before opening the door enough for him to waltz in. Fucking blackmail is what this is. He goes over and sits on the couch right where you were sitting. "Move," you're not asking him, you're fucking demanding him.

"Make me."

You growl and drag Strider off the couch, he's laughing the entire time. Does he think you're a joke? Before he can get up you jump onto the couch and sit in your fucking spot. He's not taking it from you.

He stands up and the smile from his laugh is gone. "You realize this means war."

"Bring it on, faggot," your mouth twitches in a smile for a little moment as you grip the couch tightly.

You pull your legs up to your chest as he grabs your ankles and begins to pull you off. You dig your nails into the couch and hold onto the arm of the couch, managing to cling there for a little bit, but he grabs you by your waist and yanks you off onto the floor. You hit your chest on the carpet with a thump, and as you're getting your breath back he slides into your seat, sitting in the fucking most ridiculous pose ever, mocking that 'paint me like one of your french girls' pose. "I win."

You bare your teeth again, "No you don't!" You climb on the back of the couch and press your feet to his back, then start to shove him off the couch while slowly moving down into your fucking spot. He presses himself back against you and you press one of your feet to the back of his head, messing up his slick blond hair, "Eugh how much fucking hair gel do you use, I swear I just stepped in a shitload of grub sauce."

"You've hit a new low," he laughs and ducks his head so you lose your grip on his head and he smushes you back into the couch.

"AH! I can't breathe!" you practically yell, and he immediately gets off the couch and looks at you in concern. You lie on your back in the spot, a vicious smirk on your face, "HA fooled you, fucker."

His brow furrows and his mouth opens a little in protest, but he follows it up with a laugh, "Oh shit I can't believe I fell for that." He wraps his arms around your upper body and drags you, kicking and screaming, to the ground. He presses his hands on your arms just above your elbows and pins you down on the carpet. "Let's go for a car ride," he laughs.

You glare at him and bare your teeth, "Sounds like a fucking shotgun wedding. I'm fucking swooning."

"I'm serious!"

"AUGH fine if it'll get you off my fucking back."

He smiles a little, "I'm not on your back. Yet."

"OH MY GOD."

He stands up and offers a hand to you to help you up. You begrudgingly accept it, and once you're on your feet you stand back a little bit, dusting yourself off. You cross your arms over your chest and wait for him to collect himself. He pulls his keys out of his pocket and walk over to the door, "Come on, let's go."

You start to walk but then you stop, "Oh, hold on." You hurry into your room and grab the tiny razor off of the windowsill, and then you shove it into your pocket. That way if anyone decides they want to come in, they won't be able to find it. You don't want to risk losing it. You make your way back out and he's waiting for you.

"Ready now?"

"Yeah," you say.

_A/N: Sorry for the inactivity, I was on vacation, but I did a bit of writing! I've got a twisted story planned out, so I hope you stay along for the ride! Things will pick up soon, I promise_


	5. Chapter 5

You go over to the door and grab your keys off the hanger, then open the door for him. Once he leaves, you lock the door and shut it behind you. He's started walking down the steps by the time you're out the door. He walks over to an older looking car, definitely something different than what's common now. It has a very flat yet boxy appearance and is in, predictably, red and white.

He's such a fucking poser.

You pad down the steps and walk slowly over to his car, and he opens the passenger door for you. You step in and sit on the seat, then you look around the car. Very red. He sits beside you in the driver's seat and looks over at you. He's fixed his hair and has his cool kid facade back up. "Ready for the ride of a lifetime?"

"Just get it fucking over with," you mutter bitterly. You'd rather be alone right now.

He sighs in amusement and starts the car, then begins to drive it out of the apartment complex. It's dark outside, and there aren't many cars out, but there's still quite a few. You don't remember the last time you were in one of these automobiles. He continues to drive around, starting on the main streets, but slowly inching out towards the more backhand roads.

"Strider?"

"Yeah, dude?"

"Where the fuck are we going?!"

He smiles a little bit, "I'm taking you out on a date to my house."

"Swiss-fucking-CHEESE GODDAMMIT!" He fucking tricked you. He got you back for tricking him out of your spot. That fucking bastard. Your reach across and grab his head, angrily pulling on his stupid blond hair. He's practically laughing his ass off, but he's also beginning to swerve a little bit.

"Shouty stop it I'm trying to drive!"

You just scream and start punching his arm that is closest to you, "I am not fucking interested in you, you dull bucket! You're fucking creeping me out!"

He shoves you back to your side of the car, "Dude I can tell you've got the hots for me," he starts, and you feel your face begin to flush red, "I don't care about your mental sta-"

"What the FUCK is wrong with my mental state?!"

"Nothing!"

You scoff at him, "Oh really? I bet I can name ten things wrong with me."

He looks at you, "Bro I genuinely don't care what's 'wrong' with you."

You close your mouth and look away.

He sighs, "You're really committed to not feeling anything huh?"

"Duh."

"What if- and hear me out, what if you could feel good without wanting to self harm."

"Impossible."

"Have you tried?"

"No-"

"Then let's try!" He pulls into a parking space in front of a rather beat-down house. He puts one arm over the back of his seat and looks at you, "please?"

You leer at him a little bit, "You understand the almost guaranteed consequences?" Your voice is low and has an undertone of a growl, "You realize you may be the reason for me cutting myself?"

He bites his lower lip a little bit before he unbuckles himself and takes off his shades. He looks at you as if to check you're unbuckled (you never got buckled in the first place) then he puts one hand on the small of your back an the other on the back of your neck and pulls you into a kiss. You don't move, but you really want to grab the razor in your pocket and use it. Your heart is pounding so loud you swear he can hear it. So many emotions are rushing through your head at the moment and you can't take it.

You push him away a little. He looks at you with confusion and a mild sense of hurt before realizing what happened. He purses his lips for a second then sits back in his seat, "Right."

"Damn right," you mutter in response.

He looks at the house then back at you, "How about we go inside?"

You shrug, "I don't know where my fucking house is from here, so I guess might as well."

He gets out of the car and you get out too, shivering a little bit in the night air. He goes to put an arm around you and you swat it off, "Not so fast."

He gives you a smile and a sigh before putting his arm back at his side, then walks with you up towards the house. He walks inside, announcing your presence with a "Bro, we're back."

"Who's we?" His brother sounds form another room.

You feel nervous and take a step back, but he grabs you by your wrist and pulls you forward. You let out a pissed off hiss and he lets go of your wrist, muttering a hushed sorry. "I brought a friend over."

Bro is a lot taller than Dave is, and he wears fucking dumb shades too. He's standing in the kitchen, surrounded by genuinely creepy puppet looking things with absurdly large asses. You have a feeling this whole family prefers men. "Keep the moans to a minimum, I am busy."

You feel your face heat up into an intense crimson as Dave tugs you to his room, "I will be as loud as I want." You slap him for that.

His room is extremely messy, but at least it is relatively puppet-free. He hops onto his bed onto his back, and you just stand in the middle of his room. "It's hideous," you state.

"What, my room?"

"No, the fucking thing on your bed." You point to him.

He glares, "I am gorgeous."

You let out a fake single "Ha!" before sitting down on the floor on front of the bed.

"Get your ass up here," he lies on his stomach and hangs one arm off the side of the bed.

You shake your head, "I feel fucking fine on the goddamn floor."

"Get. Your sweet ass. Up here. Now." He grins almost menacingly.

You shake your head again.

He sighs, "Do we have to repeat the strife we went through with the dick journal?"

"NO!" you cross your arms across your chest, "I'm just fine on the floor."

He shrugs a little bit. "Want to watch TV or something? And no, watching it won't make you a 'nerd like Egbert'. I don't even see where you get that logic, really." You begrudgingly nod. At least some background sound would make things feel less awkward. He turns on the TV to some action movie. Definitely different from the romcoms you watch and fucking prefer. He puts a hand on your shoulder and turns you so you're facing him, "I noticed you took off the bandages."

"How?" the disbelief is prevalent in your voice.

"When I grabbed your wrist," he gingerly grabs your wrist, "It wasn't squishy like it was the last time I did. Plus you just told me."

You yank your arm back, "So what? It's my fucking arm I can do whatever the hell I want."

"I agree."

You stare at him, "Wait, what?"

"I said I agree, dude. You can fucking take off your bandages if you think that's okay. Just gotta be careful not to reopen the wounds."

You glare at him and turn your attention back to the TV. He lets out a loud groan, "Ugh lemme see."

"The TV is goddamn huge you can fucking see around me."

"No I mean your wrists."

You stare nervously at him, "Why? Can't we just be normal and watch this shit on the TV?"

"Yes, if you sit on the bed."

You roll your eyes and move up to the bed so you're sitting on the very edge, "There."

He wraps his arms around you and pulls you closer to him, "Gotta be closer to me, I ain't lettin' ya free."

"Stop."

"Listen to my raps, definitely better than your pap's."

"The fuck is a pap?"

"Shut the fuck up kat, it's just as easy as that."

"Holy shit dude you've gotten so much worse."

He pats your head, "Shut up or I will make you." You open your mouth to argue and he takes that as an opportunity to cover your mouth with his. Surprise radiates from you and he seems to notice, since he stops kissing you. He gently pushes you onto your back and leans over you, "See?"

"See what?"

"I got the loud and obnoxious Karkat Vantas to shut the hell up."

You glare and bare your teeth at him, "If the dull think-panned and moderately creepy Dave Strider doesn't move, he'll lose something dear to him."

He gets the hint and removes himself from the space above you, sitting back down on the bed, "Oh dude guess what?"

"What?" you mutter with an obviously angry voice.

"That fucking fish dude got a matesprit."

Eridan? No way that seadweller got anything, "What? No."

He smiles, "Yeah, you're right, that fuckass won't get anywhere with anyone. Unlike me, the master of persuasion."

"You didn't persuade me."

"Master of persuasion, new game title right there. Watch out Lord of Time, here comes the Master of Persuasion."

You just stare blankly at him. How is this dumbass still breathing? "Master isn't even a rank. Nor is persuasion."

"Just keep telling yourself that."

You give him a resigned sigh and turn your attention back to the TV. Still boring as fuck. You hope he doesn't ask you any more asinine questions.

"Dude," there's his voice again. Man this motherfucker has no concept of silence. "let me see."

After closing your eyes tightly in anger you open them again and look at him, "No."

He reaches out towards you and grabs your arms, "Come on."

"I said no!" you pull your arms back to you, wincing a little. "Learn the glorious concept of personal space!"

"Well I'm dying to know where you cut because clearly you've been doing it a while and if it wasn't on your wrists where the hell was it?"

You glare at him in silence for a few seconds, "None of your business."

"Dude come on-"

"I said none of your FUCKING BUSINESS!" You're shaking now, great.

"Vantas tell me!"

You close your eyes tightly, just wanting the emotions and stress you're feeling to go away, "My legs okay?!"

He sits there quietly for a little bit, and neither of you move for what feels like an hour. He makes an attempt to hug you but you shove him away, shaking even more now. "I'll be right back," you say as you stand up. He nods a little bit and watches you as you leave the room.

You're not gonna be right back.

_A/N Dramaaa~ Sorry for inconsistent posting, I've been distracted with games and 11 kittens. If I'm getting too OOC with characters please tell me and I'll try to be better!_


	6. Chapter 6

You walk calmly out of the room and through the living room, the only evidence of your distress being the fact that your whole body is shaking. The older Strider tries to get your attention but you completely disregard him, preferring to take your leave instead. Your sight is blurry.

You leave the shitty little house and breathe in the cold, brisk outside air. Awful. You are now shivering and shaking, but at least the pain in your chest is going away a little bit. Instead of going through the grueling task of asking for a ride home, you take it upon yourself to begin walking. You may not know the way back, but you know the road it took to get out here, and you'll figure it out on your own one way or another, even if that means walking around all night. You know you wouldn't be getting any sleep anyways. It's cold, and as you begin to walk you feel a chilled breeze. It's nearly pitch black, you can barely see the ground under your feet, but you can feel the chill through your shoes. Your thin little turtleneck is doing absolutely nothing for you, you probably should have brought a jacket. Oh, but you're too fucking stupid to do that, huh? A tiny human has more thinking capacity that your dumb fucking mind, huh? A worm could probably deal with your situation better than you. A fucking worm. You absolute tree nut. Your vision is getting blurrier.

Gentle steps resound around you with the small echoes created via gravel. It's some sound in this silent night. You go to breathe in again and your breath hitches, almost in a gasp. No, you will not cry. Men don't cry. You rub your sleeve over your eyes to clear the blurriness, and to your relief it does. No tears. Everything sucks, everything fucking sucks and keeps getting worse and worse. First you started losing your troll friends, then in order from who you've fucked over most, Nepeta, John, and now Dave. You genuinely don't expect them to deal with you any more.

The sound of your footsteps begins to fade as a louder crunching sound reverberates behind you. The ground below your feet is beginning to lighten, and you can see the corners of each individual rock. You turn around and see headlights shining from a smooth white car. You continue to walk.

"Hey, dude," it's Strider, "just get in, we'll talk."

"No."

"Come on!" his protest does nothing to sway you. "Gas isn't cheap, you know, don't be fucking stubborn and get in the car," that doesn't help either.

You stop walking and turn to him, tilting your head a little, "I'm the single most stubborn troll to exist in this pathetic mash-up universe."

He sighs, "Whatever, just get in."

You turn away from him and keep walking. He drives beside you, and as you turn to look at the lights on the car you notice the wheels crushing the gravel, the hundreds of pounds of pressure this car could do if it was going full speed, if it was faster it would spray the gravel aside. Spray anything organic apart. You really want to be that organic material.

Something about your body language must have ticked him off to your thoughts, because he stops the car and gets out. "Shouty," he starts, "please."

You keep- err more like start walking. When did you stop?

You hear the crunch of gravel behind you and before you know it he's got his arms around you, "Into the car!"

You don't bother to squirm. You don't bother to move at all. He physically has to carry you there, your feet dragging on the sharp little rocks. You will be stubborn, if it's the last thing you do. He shoves you into the back seat, forcing you practically head over heels since you really don't want to make this easy for him.

He sits in the front seat and turns around to face you.

"Go ahead," you say with a very uninterested voice.

"Go ahead and do what? Cause there's a lot-"

"Yell at me. Like John. Call me ungrateful." your voice is just getting more monotone. You've practically given up. When that thought about the car went through your head, it's like you just want to lay down on the floor and not think for a few months, or lay down in the road and get your head smashed open.

Remember, compliance is key.

He stutters, "Wh- What? Bro I'm not gonna yell at you. Though I probably will yell at John. I always yell at John, at least in his general direction. Dude's dumb."

A surge of energy rushes through you, and before you know it you've grabbed Dave's shirt and are nearly face to face with him, practically screaming "Call me ungrateful!" You desire to be insulted by someone other than yourself, you need a reason to be hurt, you need someone to hurt you enough for you to hurt yourself. You need the loathing only someone else can provide for maximum damage.

He shoves you back into the seat, and before you realize what he's doing he's out of the car and opening the back door closest to you. You move away from him as he climbs in the back seat.

"Karkat."

You just stare at him.

He grabs you by your shirt enough to get you close, then he moves his hands to your shoulders, ignoring how much you're shaking. "I don't know what the fuck is running through your sick little mind right now, " way to help, "but I will not comply and insult you. I don't see why you have to be so insistent on running away, so absolutely foolish to go off into the night when it's fucking colder than a caveman's ass," see that's like half an insult, "or to be eying the front end of the car when it should be the front end of me," smooth, "so listen, kitten, I'm only gonna say this once. Stop being so self loathing and just accept the fucking car ride." You sit there in something near shock as he lets go of your shirt and goes back into the driver seat of the car. He turns around to face you, "So, will I be driving you home? Or would you rather stay at my place? Cause either way I'm not letting you walk."

It takes you a moment to find your voice before you stammer out something resembling a "my place". He begins to drive and you sit in silence, thinking way too much about what just happened. He's silent too. You wonder what he's thinking about.

After a few minutes of driving, you begin to recognize the landmarks around you. At least you know where to go now. A couple minutes after that you reach your destination. Once he stops the car in the parking lot, you grab the door and begin to open it, interrupted briefly by a "Wait," from Dave.

You look at him, "What?"

"When was the last time you smiled?"

"When I calmed Gamzee down after he murdered everyone, thanks for reminding me."

"Why don't you smile even now? We've been out of the game a year now. I've never seen you smile."

You just look at him with half-open eyes, "I haven't had a reason to smile. I don't have a reason. My smile was taken from me so long ago, I don't think I've smiled more than that once." You get out of the car.

He doesn't leave until you've unlocked your door, and once you've opened it the car is practically gone, nearly speeding down the road. You watch it go for a little bit before walking inside, and turning on the lights. It's the same as you left it, somewhat clean but not completely. You reach in your pocket, and pull out the small blade.

Not tonight.

You set the blade down in it's spot on your bedroom windowsill before stripping down into shorts. You go back into the living room and grab your computer where it was left, then begin to walk back to your room. You stop and go into the kitchen. Just being in here makes your stomach twist. You shouldn't be in here.

You're still shaking.

You head back to your room and place your laptop on the bed. You have an urge to lie on the floor, like you did earlier when you were thinking about the car. You grab a blanket from the bed, wrap it around yourself, and just lie on the floor. It's more comfortable than that human bed, for some reason. You stare at the blank walls of your room, noticing how it's getting a little blurry again. You keep staring though, as if you're completely spaced out even though you're really not. After all, you're lucid enough to realize you're not spacing out.

It feels like hours before you close your eyes. You don't even have the strength to get up and turn off the light. How many days have you gone without eating? You don't even know, but it feels good. What day is it anyways? You can't remember. You don't bother trying to remember. You just sleep.

You wake up with a start, completely disoriented. Is it Sunday or Monday? You genuinely don't know. You genuinely don't care, either. You look at your ceiling and notice the light is still on. Why is it on? You go to stand up but immediately the shaking starts back up again, along with a new addition of your heart pounding. What the fuck is going on? Your stomach groans a loud protest and you hit it to shut it up, but it keeps making sounds, so you keep hitting it. You don't even realize how many times you've hit it before the realization smacks you in the face that it's stopped. And now your stomach hurts. You look down to see a slight reddening on your stomach. You may have bruised yourself there. Way to go, you worthless animal. You stand up, using the wall for support, until you're capable of standing on your own. You go to your closet and put on a grey sweater and some black sweatpants. No point in looking presentable today. You grab your laptop and head out to the living room, your head is swimming by the time you make it there. You press a hand to your temples to try to stop it, but that only ceases the problem slightly. You look at your bathroom, pondering over whether to take a shower or not. The door's still broken. You'll take one later.

You get on the couch and lie down, trying to make the pain in your head subside. It's just getting worse.

Some time afterwards you've passed out again, and you wake up even later. Your eyes aren't even open all the way as you turn on your laptop. It's four thirteen in the afternoon. Wow, when you sleep apparently you binge sleep. At least your head feels better. You open up pesterchum. No new messages. What a fucking relief.

It's quiet for a while, the only sound being you, and the occasional shrieking wriggler (or adult) outside. You rub your eyes and sit up, deciding now would be a good time to take a shower. You start to believe it's Monday, so that means all your jerkass acquaintances would be living it up in that social hell they call "public school". You get up and go into the bathroom, setting the door awkwardly up so it at least covers the entrance somewhat, and get in the shower. The hot water is soothing, if a bit painful. You like it hot, it helps you feel cleaner. After cleansing yourself you get redressed in the sweater and sweatpants you were wearing previously. It's only been like half a day, no problem with that.

You rub your eyes again and go to sit back on the couch, but the doorbell rings. You go to answer the door, and your eyes widen in surprise when you see it's not who you expected (Strider), rather it's Nepeta. She gives you a greeting, but it doesn't exactly register.

"Huh?"

"I said grrreetings," she practically purrs that out. It must have been on purpose. Heh, 'purrpose'.

You stare for a few seconds before you realize you should respond, "Oh uh hello, Nepeta, what the fuck are you doing here?" that came out angrier than you expected, but oh well, you're not in the mood.

She squints at you, "Uhh can I come in?"

You blink a few times before you respond with a "yeah" and an open door. You don't particularly care for her, but you don't want problems.

She stands and watches you as you practically stumble to the couch, before you collapse in a heap on it, "Karcat?" she asks, her voice filled with concern.

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

You nod a little bit, "Just tired. You know how Monday's are."

She gives you an awkward look before sitting on the floor in front of your exhausted face, "It's Tuesday."

You open one eye and look at her for a moment before it kicks in, "Not Monday?!"

"Yeah...did you sleep through it or something?"

Now that you think of it, you might have. When did Dave even drop you off? Was it Sunday night or Monday night? "Uhh..."

She presses a hand to your head before pulling it back sharply, "Yeesh! You're on fire, Karkitty!"

"Thanks but I don't feel that great."

"No I mean I think your sick."

That would explain the fucking weird-ass thing going on with your head. "Probably got it from Dave," you say rather loudly, "He wouldn't let me walk home."

"Him not letting you walk home probably kept you from getting sicker, though you're extremely sick already. I should get someone," she stands up as if to leave.

You reach out and grab her arm, "Please don't," you practically beg, "I've caused enough problems for a sweep, just let me lie here, I'll get better on my own."

She looks nervous, as if she wants to make you happy but also want to do what's best for you, "Can I at least give you medicine? It'll be like a real life roleplay, I can roleplay as the doctor and you can be my patient." She sounds enthusiastic over this.

You're gonna let her go with this, if it makes her happy enough not to alert the media of your amazing downfall from what could be a one-day bug, then it's worth the embarrassment. "Go on ahead, miss mew."

"It's Doctor Mew to you, Sir Scratch."

_A/N Most of the insults I come up with I go over in my head with a GlaDOS voice, and they all work fantastically. So, next update we'll see doctor mew and her patient sir scratch. Can you identify why he's shaking so much? It should be obvious, I just didn't want to say it outright~_


	7. Chapter 7

"Fuck!"

"What?"

"Nothing I just haven't fucking said 'fuck' in a while."

She laughs a little bit, "Well at least you're feeling better."

You growl a little bit, "You've been here like an hour, don't you have fucking places to be or some shit?"

"Well," she starts, "I was going to help Equius with some of his robots-"

"Speaking of that douchebag my door is still broken."

"-but he'll be fine on his own. Now you and me, Sir Scratch," her voice starts off light, but takes a sinister twist with her next line, "we're gonna fucking demolish this disease and eradicate its presence from your body!" You simply stare at her. "Then you'll be good as new!"

She goes on to ramble on and on about something, but you don't care to listen. Where did you get this sickness from anyways? You haven't gotten injured lately have you? No..wait, yet you have. The blade on the floor. You never bothered to wash it off, there must have been some sort of bacteria on it. Oh, fucking great. You can't even get a cool, deadly disease from fighting bears or something, no, you have to get a fucking floor disease. This makes you very, very angry.

She must have noticed you spacing out, because she's waving her hand in front of your face, "Alternia to Sir Scratch, do you read me?"

"What?"

She sighs, "I asked you if you wanted anything to eat."

Your stomach twists. "I have no appetite."

"Come on! When was the last time you ate? You're looking skinnier than normal."

You're gonna have to lie. No way you're telling her you haven't eaten for six days. "Uhh..." you mumble, "yesterday?"

"You're lying. You were asleep yesterday."

"Then the fucking day before!"

She glares a little bit, but doesn't pressure it further. Clearly she still thinks you're lying. "Well then, I'm gonna make you something," she purrs as she gets up and goes into your kitchen.

No no no no no no no. You don't want this. You get up and hold your hand to your head, trying to quell the throbbing, and you notice the trembling is back. "Nepeta.."

"It's Doctor Mew!" She whips around and lets out a sigh when she sees that you're up, "Sir you need to stay at least sitting."

You glare, "Please just fucking leave, you're stressing me out."

She walks over to you and makes you sit down, "You're a yarn ball of stress 24/7. Me being here won't change much."

"Nepeta!"

She simply ignores you and walks back to whatever she was doing in the kitchen. Clearly you must play along with her stupid roleplaying game. You let out a heavy sigh, making sure it's audible from the kitchen. "Doctor Mew."

She spins around to face you, "Yes?"

"You're making me uncomfortable with this fucking nonsense about food. I can fucking feed my own fat face."

"But you're so sick you slept through Monday and even now you can barely stand.." she tenses up. "Sir Scratch, we'll have to pause the roleplay. Karcat, I need you to answer something in absolute truth."

You look away from her, not wanting to meet her frozen gaze, "Depends on the fucking question."

"Are you cold?"

"Uhh...kinda?"

"Where's your thermostat?"

"What?"

She clenches her fists in something resembling impatient anger, "The goddamn thing where you determine how much heat you have in the apartment?"

You point to it, and she walks stiffly over, her little tail swishing. She never got rid of it, or even grew out of that little cat phase. She reads the number on there and turns around to you, "It's 75 degrees in here."

You really don't get where she's going with this. She's doing more 'detective work' than Terezi, and that's fucking insane. "Your fucking point is?"

"It's pretty hot in here. You shouldn't be cold. Karkat, how much do you weigh?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"I'm not in the mood for your fucking games, we just put our on paws! Now stop acting like a 20 sweep year old human woman and just tell me your weight!"

"I don't fucking know! Probably like a thousand pounds!"

She seems close to tearing up. What the hell is going on with her? Where is she going with this? "Karkat...be honest. When was the last time you ate?"

Oh. Oh now you get it. She's following the tail, err, trail. She's smarter than you take her for. She stares at you as you sit there dumbly in silence. "It's...fuck...it's been a while."

She's actually tearing up now. She pulls off her olive jacket and rushes over to you, putting it around your shoulders. "I won't yell at you this time, I won't judge this time." She's crying.

No, please don't cry. You can't bear to see this. "Nepeta? Why are you crying?"

"Karkat I'm not stupid, why do you hate yourself so much? Why can't you see how fucking perfect you are?" Her voice hitches a few times, and she's nearly broken down completely.

As she puts her hands up to her eyes to wipe away the tears, you put your hands on her shoulders. "I'm fine-"

"No you're not!" she quickly gasps for breath, "You're starving I can see it in you, your cheeks are getting thin and you're shaking because you don't have the strength to stand!"

That's probably the reason why. She's got a point there. You don't bother arguing, you know she's right, and she definitely knows she's right. "Why?"

"I don't know-"

"Why can't you see you're not the piece of shit you think you are?! What fucking mirror are you looking in where you see this-" she motions to your body, "as some game character that can be reset once failure takes over?! You can't be reset, you can't be reset" she grips your shoulders and you can feel her nails through her jacket and your sweater. She's holding onto you as if any breeze might take you away. She puts her head on your chest, and you feel her tears seeping through the fabric and hitting your skin. She's racked with sobs over you, you piece of shit. How fucking dare you do this so someone like her?

You're staring at her in absolute shock and dismay now. She sees right through you, no-one else does, not even Dave. And look how much you're upsetting her. She swiftly pulls her head up to look at you, her eyes olive in the corners from how bloodshot her eyes are getting. She's really pouring it out, because of you. "Karkat when you fuck up you're fucked up for life you'll die and I can't kiss you ba- ack!" the last word is practically infused with a sob as she shakes you back and forth. "You need to get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer! You'll find something good about yourself!" She stops shaking you and presses her head to your chest again. You hug her and try to comfort her.

You two sit there for about seven minutes, before she starts to get over it. She pulls her head off your chest slowly and rubs her eyes with her hands before putting them in her lap. She and you sit there for a little in silence before she looks at you with determined eyes, "I'm going to help you."

"I don't fucking need help."

"I'll call someone if you don't let me help you."

You glare at her, "Don't you fucking dare."

"Then let me help you."

You look away from her, you can't stand to look at you. You're burning with shame after being responsible for her crying. Equius would kick your ass if he knew you hurt his moirail the way you did. Maybe he'd kill you. Wouldn't that be a miracle?

"I'll make something that will be soft on your stomach. If you can just eat a little, I'll rest my case for today."

If that'll get her off your back, even for one fucking day, that would be a huge relief. But you don't want to eat, you cannot stand the idea of eating. You close your eyes tightly before nodding slightly. You probably should eat anyways. For her sake.

She slowly gets off the couch and goes into the kitchen, resuming whatever she had taken up before she called you out on your bullshit. You open your eyes and stare down at the couch. You don't know how long you're sitting there before you feel a hand on your back and you see a bowl with a small amount of soup in it before you.

"Please."

Your whole body tenses up at the sight and smell of food. Your instinct is to kick it away from you, but your stomach growls. Nepeta laughs a little bit, something genuine but quiet, "See? You're hungry." Her voice is still uneven and wobbly, and there's the overtone of sadness.

You grimace as you reach down and grab the spoon. Your hand is trembling. Whether that's from your weak body or the emotional turmoil you're going through when faced with your bane, you don't know. You start to lift a spoonful to your mouth when you put the spoon back down. "I can't do it," you choke out.

You feel the hand on your back start shivering a little bit. You hope she doesn't cry again. "Ple- ease," her voice is absolutely filled to the brim with pleading. It's clearly hard for her to not force you into this. She's trying to be supportive rather than oppressive about this.

With a racing heart you bring the spoon back up to your mouth, and you keep in there for a few seconds before begrudgingly putting it in your mouth. You want to throw it up. It's not even all the way inside you and you want to throw it up. You can feel her eyes on you to see if you swallow it.

You do.

It brings a sense of defeat, not accomplishment. You feel like you've simply let yourself down. Nepeta seems practically ecstatic, but you can't share in her excitement. It's too awful. Once you feel it in your stomach, you hear a loud rumble come from your stomach, and realize you're fucking hungry. As you will yourself through a few more mouthfuls, it becomes easier, and you actually have to pace yourself. Nepeta, behind you, is practically as proud as a mother grub about this petty achievement.

You finish the bowl. You can't believe you did. All you want to do is throw it back up. You feel fat, hideous, disgusting. Worthless, volatile, truly fucking repulsive. More repulsive than Eridan. You're still shaking.

Nepeta takes her hand off your shoulder and walks off into your room. You freeze and hope to any sort of god that she does not look on your windowsill. She returns with a big blanket from your bed that practically engulfs her frame as she walks towards you with it. "Delivery!"

To make it easier for her, you set the bowl on the ground, and she drops the blanket over you. It definitely warms you up, if restricting your breathing quite a bit. You pull it off enough so you can breathe, and you can see she's taking the bowl back into the kitchen. If you wanted to, you could get up and vomit. You start to get up, but immediately get back in your position when she turns around. Looks like you're under watch again.

She cleans the plate then walks back over to you, "Want me to call Dave?"

"Why the fuck would you want to do that?"

"He told everyone at school how you two were...uh...he quoted it as 'we're practically fucking'."

"OH MY GOD. No we are not in any motherfucking quadrant. He and I tried for like half an hour but I cut it off," now that you think of it, you never explicitly told Dave you were cutting it off. Goddamn it. "Just don't fucking talk to him about me, okay?"

She just nods a little bit and sits on the couch beside you. Is that relief in her eyes? "Could you please come back to school?"

"I'm fine doing that bullshit online schooling."

Nepeta looks at her, clearly bordering exhaustion, "Karkitty I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. You're a hazard to yourself, I want to keep an eye on you. You have no actual moirail, and apparently I'm the only one in our social group with proper moirail training, so I'll just try to help you. If I could ditch this weird school thing, I would, because I honestly fucking hate it," she laughs a little, "but the merge of our cultures ended with humans having more power _somehow_, so they decided this is law. Maybe the higher up trolls thought it would be a good idea to make sure the younger ones were as smart as the humans in case one day we overpower them and enslave them all." She smiles in an endearing yet murderous way.

You sigh in resignation. Compliance is key. "Okay," you mutter, "I'll do the goddamn paperwork and all that fucking nonsense tomorrow."

She grins in delight, "Oh yay!" she hugs you around your neck, "I'll tell everyone the good news!"

"Just, say it was my fucking idea and no-one else's think-pan working on this, alright?"

She's already using her little phone, probably texting everyone, "Sure, sure, whatever!"

_A/N I'm still not super good writing Nepeta, but I tried. Oh goodness, I'm such a fucking pansy, I nearly cried when I was writing the part where she cried. I just hated doing that! Anyways, I got hyped up and wrote this chapter, so you don't even have to worry about waiting a whole fucking week for a new one! And I realized the last chapter had an alarming lack of "fuck" in it, so I made sure to add a ton of expletives to Karkat's vocabulary in this chapter. Oh, how will school fuck up Karkat? I know. Heh._


	8. Chapter 8

You've stayed in bed for a few days now. You know you told Nepeta you'd sign back up for regular school, but you're still fucking sick. She can deal with it. Today, though, you feel well enough to walk. You get up, and for the first time in a while your head isn't pounding, rather it's throbbing in an unbelievably irritating way. Today is Thursday.

You go into the bathroom to take a shower, admiring the new door you've gotten. Nepeta made Equius pay for and install a new one, and you like nothing more than knowing someone's doing your dirty work. You strip down and get into the shower, feeling a slight pain in your legs. You've picked off the scabs, and you don't care about the healing process. This way you still get the pain without adding new cuts. You, personally, don't mind having scarred legs. It's everyone else's reactions you'd really much rather avoid. You make sure you're presentable enough to go out in public, then you get out of the shower and dress. You're wearing your black turtleneck with the grey sign on the front, with the grey jeans. The attire you wore during the game, for the most part.

It takes you a few minutes to brace yourself for having to go out in public. You'll have to go inside the school. You could see anyone there, anyone could see you. You just want to get in and out without the hassle of unwanted attention. Of course, you being you who manages to bring about drama more often than Vriska brings about mutilations, you expect someone to bother you. Once you've prepared yourself, you leave the apartment. It's bright out, and you despise it.

You grab the railing as you go down the steps, your legs still shaky from not eating. You haven't eaten since Nepeta was over, and though the temptation has nearly driven you mad, you've abstained from the cursed thing. You've also abstained from eating, and you are well aware of the bags under your eyes and just how prominent they are. Hopefully the school will not allow you to attend any more, and force you to stay online. Wouldn't that be great? You're thinking too much, keep walking. After getting down the steps, walking is easier. It's quiet outside, due to it being rather early in the morning, which is nice. You're not fond of loud places. It just makes you have to yell even louder.

There's too many thoughts running through your head as you walk. Regardless of the fact that the school is only two miles away, that's a little over half an hour of walking, and that's a lot of time for you to think. You think about how hiding is going to be harder, how existing in general is going to be harder. You'll have to deal with jerks, with bullies, with 'pay attention's, with humans, with trolls, with everything. You're tempted to go back on your word, but you don't want Nepeta to spill your secret. Man, you are awful at keeping secrets.

Well, looks like you've made it to the school. It must be class time, since there's barely any people outside. Good, fucking great. You walk inside and go to the office.

"What do you want?" A human is at the desk. She clearly doesn't like trolls.

"Uhh.." you have to think of a lie, "I'm currently doing fu- err online school. I ran out of g- internet, so I need to switch back to this place."

"Name?"

"Karkat Vantas."

She looks at you and gives you the single most fake smile you've ever seen, "Please wait for a moment, I'll get your file."

You simply glare slightly as she leaves. You can tell you two despise each others' existence.

A bell rings.

Shit, no no no, passing time already? You thought you calculated this right, you must have arrived early. Fucking shit, goddamn. You keep your face away from the glass separating the office from the hallway. You can hear the obnoxious dumbasses out there screaming in the hallways as if their lives depended on how loud they can be. You hate it already. You tap your fingertips on the counter impatiently, hoping the human female could hurry up and get this all over with. You recognize a voice outside that gets louder, and when the door behind you opens you brace yourself as someone nearly crashes into you.

"Karkat!" It's Jade.

"Uhh goddamn it I was hoping I could get in and out of this fucking building without seeing one of the motherfuckers I know."

She laughs, "Still a grouchy douchebag, I see. Remind me what the hell you're doing here? I thought you ditched us nobodies for online?"

You glare at her, "Didn't Nepeta already explain this shit?"

"Not to me, at least," she seems hurt to be left out of the loop, but you think she probably doesn't give two fucks.

"It's, uhh, a complicated deal she and I fucking struck up because she loves twisting my legs into compromising positions, but now apparently I have to come back to this hellhole so she will leave me the fuck alone."

She just raises her eyebrows, "Oh man, that sucks."

"Thanks, so nice of you."

Jade looks back into the hallway, "Well, I've got to go, or oh no I'll be late." She fakes a swoon, "See you around, jerkoff."

"Later, dogbreath."

You still feel a little red for her, but she despises your guts, so best play it off as black. Oh well. You turn back around and see the human female returning with a file and some papers. "Fill these out."

There's no point in justifying a response, so you simply fill out the forms as necessary. You give them back to her, she looks them over, and nods a little bit, "Great, welcome back Karkat Vantas."

She pronounces your name wrong. Probably just to spite you.

You turn around and dodge through the people in the hallway as you make it back outside, glad to be free from it, even if it's just temporary. As you start walking away, you hear Jade's voice again as she shouts out your name. You turn around to face her.

She stops in front of you, breathing a little heavier than usual, "I had to run to catch up to you, I had an idea." She holds out a little bottle, "Here, I used these before and I don't need them any more. You'd definitely make better use of them, and don't worry about a prescription, I've got you covered."

"A little bit of fucking clarification as to what these, uhh," you shake the bottle and hear a rattling sound, "rattling tubes are?"

"They're antidepressants. It should help you feel better. Just take, like, two a day or something and it should help you. They're from a brand that should work just fine with trolls, so uhh, yeah."

You bite your lip, "I'm basically a test subject hamster thing now huh?"

She laughs, "You're a guinea pig, yeah. Got to go, later." She waves goodbye as she runs back inside.

What the absolute fuck. You stare at the things inside the tube. You've never seen these before. You'll look them up later. With a heavy sigh you start your walk home, glad to be away from those freaks. You're not looking forward to tomorrow.

. . . .

You spent the rest of yesterday preparing, and now today's Friday. At least you only have to deal with one day before the weekend. That's the only reason you're somewhat okay with going. You grab your old bag you used last year and stuff some old supplies in there. Just simple things, like a pencil and some paper. Nothing too much, you don't particularly care for trying hard. Success comes naturally in this regard, though.

Last night you stayed up late researching the "pills" Jade gave you. Apparently they mess with the chemicals in your head and make you have more of whatever it is that makes regular people happier. You also found out that if you take too many you can get into what's called an "overdose", and you may end up dead from that. You're keeping the pills for that reason in particular. An easy way out. You take one of the pills and swallow it, hating the feeling you get having something in your stomach. You still haven't eaten since Nepeta was over. It's six in the morning, you should get walking.

Before you leave, you make sure to put on a heavy black jacket over your black turtleneck. Not only is it fucking colder than your soul outside, but it's best to hide your figure somewhat. You stash the razor in the pocket of the jacket. You grab your bag and leave the apartment.

It's freezing outside, and still dark. That's good. You walk in the darkness, enjoying how quiet it is. You'll definitely miss the quiet. The walk is supposed to be forty minutes, but you take a whole hour. You arrive at the school around seven o'clock, and it starts at seven thirty. You head inside and notice there aren't that many people here. If you arrived earlier, there would be nobody. That's not a bad idea. Once you're near the office, you go inside and get your schedule, before heading back out. The first class is past the cafeteria. Great. You hope there's nobody you know in there.

You leave the office and start walking, looking mostly at the ground as you walk. Once you make it to the cafeteria you look up, and notice your old friend group clustered around a table. They don't seem to notice you. You try to slip past them, but Nepeta's voice rings out loud and clear, "Karkitty!"

You stare at them as they stare back at you, and you turn you head away and start walking to your class, feeling their eyes on you as you walk. You feel someone grab your shoulder and spin you around; it's Terezi?

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I want to know when you decided to rejoin us, and as such why you are avoiding us," even though she has a somewhat serious tone of voice she's smiling.

"Uhh," you start, "it's a deal with Nepeta."

She nods a little, "Alright. But you're sitting with us whether you like it or not." She drags you, swearing, over to the table and makes you sit between her and Nepeta.

"I have fucking things that require and absurd amount of attention to attend to!" You haven't really yelled recently. You guess being around these guys brings out the anger in you moreso than your own existence does.

They just ignore you and go back to the conversations they were having before. Nepeta slides a plate in front of you, "Eat."

You glare, "I fucking did earlier."

She purses her lips, "Don't lie."

"Don't do this here!"

Your friends are looking at you now. You slide the food back to her and feel your face flush red. "I really have to go," you stand up and get out of your seat. You immediately vacate the cafeteria and begin to hurry towards the first painful class of the day. You're watching the ground more than you're watching your path and you smash right into someone's back. You look at them and begin to mutter an apology, when you notice who it is.

"Fucking Strider, get out of my way," you mask embarrassment with anger.

He turns around to face you, "Whoa dude, you're here? I thought Jade was pulling my strings, like a puppet."

"Don't fucking bring up puppets, you asshole."

He hides a smug smile behind a laugh, "I was just flaunting our totally whatever mate thing relationship we got."

"It's called a fucking matespritship. And no, we haven't established that or any other quadrant shit."

He furrows his brow slightly, "But I thought we were goin out?"

"Like hell we are, and by that I mean no we're not fucking around or anything. You know why not."

"You said we could try though," he sounds upset, but he could just be faking it, "come on, dude, be gay with me. Gay as fuck. We could fuck rainbows together. That's the meaning of a double rainbow."

"I fucking hate you."

"The hate is relatively mutual however I know you don't hate me you love me."

"Dave-"

"You just love my perfect hair, and how totally cool I am. I am the coolest. Cooler than ice. Ice cool."

You sigh, "Absolutely nothing you say is cool, you fucking basketcase."

He just smiles, "You're getting weaker in your insults. Where's that flamboyant and sophisticated yet kinda creepy language you used to use?"

"It's just...harder to think now," well now you're getting serious.

The smile is lost from his face, "What do you mean?"

You turn away from him, "It's nothing, really."

He grabs your shoulder and pulls you back to face him, "Hey, no, don't lie. You are a liar. Remember what I said about liars. Liars start fires. Talk to me about your woes and miseries, I am a licensed doctor."

"Bullshit."

He laughs a little, "But really though, talk to me."

"Not here," you look over your shoulder, "not around these fucking people, I don't need more ammunition ready to be used against me in bullshit ways."

He grabs your hand and starts pulling you along, leading you into an empty classroom, "There's a release for the teacher this class period, so this room is empty." You lean against the wall inside the room and he stands in front of you, "Talk."

"Dave please just-"

"Talk to me!"

"Fuck, Dave, you really don't get it! Nobody does! God I sound like Eridan right now, fuck!"

He just looks at you patiently, keeping up the cool, "Continue, and don't worry about sounding like that douchebag fishhead."

"It's just, I used to be filled with anger but now all that anger's changed into sadness and self-loathing. Do you realize how much fucking anger that was? That was a whole shit ton of anger."

"Indeed, an entire shit ton."

"And now people keep trying to help but they don't realize that their help is being negative on me. Every fucking time someone tries to tell me they care all I see is fucking lies and slander being spewed about like nobody's fucking business. I can't believe it when someone tries to compliment me or anything it's all twisted in my head. Fucking stupid I'm so fucking stupid!" you run your hands through your hair, "I can't concentrate on anything and that's so dumb because I know people have it _a whole fucking lot worse_ than I do, I'm just selfish, ungrateful, stupid, stupid, stupid!"

He tries to get you to stop but you've started talking and you're gonna Kankri this bitch, "I can't do normal things, I can't act like a normal troll, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop when I start, I can't shut up, I can't be normal, I can't save anyone," your voice is starting to crack and your eyes are beginning to sting, "I ruin every bullshit friendship I have, nobody even cares, nothing I say is valid, nothing I do is heard! Why do you think I yell so fucking much?!" You're shaking a lot.

You can't see his expression behind those shades, but based on how his mouth is slightly open you'd expect it's shock. Here you are, probably making him late, screaming at him over your own problems in an empty classroom, shaking like a fucking leaf in the wind and clenching your fists so hard you could probably force your nails through the skin. You're such a worthless piece of shit, you wouldn't be surprised if he walked out on you right now.

"Shit, dude, and you said you had no anger left. That was an impressive amount of anger right there."

"Could you fucking be _serious _for one fucking moment?"

He grabs your shoulders and makes you slide down to the floor with him, "Don't you see? You were complaining about not being your old, shouty, angry self, but here you are shouting and being angry. The old Karkat's still in there, you just gotta find him. And look who brings him out? Me! So let's bring him out more."

You sigh and look away from him, feeling completely drained, "I don't know..." You put your hands up to your eyes to prevent yourself from crying.

He pulls you into a hug, holding you close to himself, "Just go with the flow. Be cool."

You give him a fake laugh, "How am I supposed to be cool without bitchin' shades?" You push away from him a little bit, just so you're not hugging him.

He takes off his sunglasses and puts them on you, "Haha you look so weird."

"HEY!" you pull them off quickly, "How can you see when everything's so dark?"

Dave laughs, "Put them back on, and say something stupid."

You sigh in resignation and put them back on, "Uhh...'give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle'," you point your fingers in mock gun shapes and almost smile with one side of your mouth.

Dave nearly dies laughing.

You pull them off and shove them onto his face, "Agh, Dave you bastard, stop fucking laughing at me, you made me do it!"

He fixes the glasses on his face, "Yo, we're gonna be late, I heard the warning bell ring while you were yelling at me."

You stand up and dust yourself off, "Okay, my class is somewhere around this general fucking area so I'll be fine. You should just get goi-"

Dave pauses you mid-sentence by grabbing your face and pulling you into a kiss. For the first time, you kiss him back. The concern over getting to class is lost as you press yourself against him; you're doing this to feel something other than pain. He was right, it helps. You put your arms around his neck and keep him close to you, and he has his arms around your waist as if to do the same. You two stay there, locked in each others' arms for a short time before he breaks the kiss off.

"So, are we gonna be whatevers?"

"Matesprits."

"Yeah that bullshit. We gonna do that?"

You raise your eyebrows, "Yeah, sounds good." You remove your arms from around his neck and he does the same from around your waist, "Uhh...fucking class?"

He nods, "Probably."

You go to class feeling better than you have in a long time.

. . . .

_A/N Sorry this was originally intended to be a Karkat/Dave ship so you get my otp fluff. There may or may not (definitely) will be some other pairings involving Karkat because i practically ship him with everyone, especially John and Nepeta, but just bear through my awful romance writing. Regardless, I usually make a chapter 4 pages long on OpenOffice, and this one was 7 so I'm spoiling you guys. This chapter was supposed to be the sad sad chapter, but I wanted more pacing, so this is the fluff chapter, and the next one will be the "the author's gonna tear your fucking heart out" chapter. Heehee. Oh! And thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews! Every time I get one I'm stuck grinning like a teenage girl, they definitely make my day! (and look who got off hir fat fucking ass and made a real fucking cover art thingy for this fanfic? ME.)_


	9. Chapter 9

Another hit and you gasp for air.

Another punch and you're choking up.

Another slap and your brain is fuzzy, blinding you temporarily as it tries to make sense of the situation.

An uppercut to your stomach.

"Fucking troll."

Again.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Again.

"You're a worthless piece of trash. Whatever 'burden' you've got on your shoulders, get the fuck over it."

You fall to the ground in a heap, hitting the pavement with a soft thud. One more kick to the side of the head and you collapse on your side, your head pounding with pain. One more kick to the stomach, and you curl up in a ball, protecting your head from any more hits. You hear laughter from more than one person, but you don't care. So long as they walk away, just fucking walk away.

Eventually you open your eyes and they're gone, probably off to harass more trolls. Your whole body is racked with pain, and your vision is fuzzy and flurry. You sit up and close your eyes, holding in the tears that threaten to breach. After taking a deep breath, you exhale slowly and stand up, going over to where you'd dropped your bag. It's been ransacked practically. You remember them making fun of you for the pills you had inside. You make sure you at least have your necessary books. You do.

You put everything back in the bag and put it on your back, brushing off your shirt. You guess it's time to go home.

So much for meeting Dave after school. You're not exactly in the mood. This shit has been going on for a few days now. It's taking its toll. You'll talk with him online, and make up an excuse as to why you can't go over. You feel a warm feeling at the corner of your mouth, and you go to wipe it with your hand. As you pull your hand back and look at it, you see that despicable candy red.

You swallow back a scream as you ball your hands into fists, digging your nails into your hands. You desperately want to hit, to scream, to just let it out. But you can't, that's not acceptable. It's not okay. With more anguish than you know what to do with, you start the long walk home.

It's hard to walk. You're still shaky on your feet. Your legs hurt for more than one reason. You really just want to fall away from this plane of existence, be alone for a while, be away from every last person.

Your home seems so far away. Far, far away. You hurt all over. You doubt you can make it home alone. You pull out the phone Dave gave you, and dial John's number.

"Y'ellow?"

"John," your voice cracks, and you're just now aware of how truly desperate and torn it is.

You hear some crackling on the other line, and you take the opportunity to sit down on the side of the road. "Karkat? Is everything alright?"

"If you come pick me up, I'll fucking explain everything."

"Okay, where're you at?"

You let out a pained laugh, "School."

"Why? Dude, it's four thirty, school ended around two thirty." he sounds intrigued.

"Pick up my ass and I'll tell you," you pull the phone away from the side of your head, then set it down on the curb beside you. You don't care that you forgot to hang up, John will understand. Honestly, you're still not 100% sure how to hang up.

Well, now you wait. Eventually you'll see that little blue car, but you know it'll be a while. You press your hands to your eyes to quell those cursed tears. You sit still for a while, holding any outbursts back by sheer willpower, until you hear a car slow down nearby. With hesitation, you look up, and notice it is, in fact, John's, and not somebody else's. You pick up the phone from beside you and catch a glimpse of yourself in the reflection. You've got bags under your eyes that look like they were applied with heavy makeup they're so dark, and- is that a bruise forming around your eye? Probably. Great, no way lying out of this with John, unless you can convince him you fell. Heh, you might be able to. You shove the phone in your pocket and walk over to the car, getting in shotgun side.

"Holy shit dude what the actual fuck happened?"

You look down into your lap, "Would you believe me if I said I simply tripped?"

"No."

A choking laugh finds its way out of your mouth, and you almost smile, "G- Good. It's bullshit."

He turns the car off, "Tell me what happened, you said you would."

You can't bear to look at him, but somehow you manage to recount your trauma. You had dealt with mostly verbal insults, but near the end is when the physical violence started. You tell him it probably has something to do with you dating Dave. Not every human is fond of the trolls presence, and many tend to disprove of interspecies relationships. You're just weaker than most, you don't defend yourself as much. You don't tell him it's because you feel you deserve it. You end with telling him this sort of thing has been happening the past few days. You've only been dating Dave a week.

He looks upset. At least you didn't break out into tears during your recount. You probably would have, but you kept it forced back. "How bad are your injuries?"

You shrug, "I haven't cared much."

"Well you probably should! I mean, you could be getting seriously hurt by this."

Another pained laugh, "Oh well. Can you just, fucking, take me home or something? I want to lie down for a bit."

He seems conflicted, before nodding and starting the car again. You look at him as he drives, and you quietly take a deep breath, "What if I broke?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I stopped trying?"

You notice his shoulders tense up, "Karkat, promise me you'll keep trying."

You just look away, "Sure."

"Say it."

"I promise, John. I'll keep trying."

The tension in his shoulders goes away for the most part, but there's definitely some left. The rest of the car ride back is quiet, neither of you really speaking to each other. There's an uneasy air filling the car, and soon enough you feel suffocated. You roll down the window, and cross your arms on the door, then you rest your head on your arms so you're getting the wind blown in your face. You close your eyes for the rest of the car ride.

When the wind begins to slow down, you open your eyes, and notice your apartment complex. He parks in one of the spots, and stops the car, "Here."

You try to roll up the window but it won't roll up, "Uhh John?"

He laughs, "I can roll it up later, the car has to be on for it to roll up."

"Oh," you open the door and go to shut it when you hear John's voice from inside.

"Hey, wait a moment," he gets out of his car and leans over the top so he's facing you, "Are you sure you're going to be fine?"

"Yeah."

"Will you call me if you're in trouble again like you were earlier? Like, if you even see those people, can you call?"

"Yeah," you turn around and walk up the steps. He gets back in his car and starts it up, and you can hear the window rolling up.

It's cold out today.

You get inside your apartment and close the door behind you. You lock it, every last lock. You've been told not to lock any of them while you're home by your friends, because in case you're in trouble they want easy access.

You fall down to your knees, and you let out a cry. You slump forward onto your arms as you sob through your teeth, letting out a deep groan instead of a scream that rides on your heavy breaths. You gasp in air as you tangle your hands in your messy hair and yank hard on the thick black mat, coughing up sobs. You squeeze your eyes shut so hard they hurt, yet the stinging tears still leak through, staining your cheeks a soft crimson. Your body is shivering, more like the shivering that occurs during a panic attack than your shivering caused from your disorder, and you're loudly sobbing now, still pulling on your hair. You pull your hands out of your hair and run them through a couple times, noticing how much hair is falling out. It's probably from stress. You want to scream. You open your mouth to scream, but you can't, you're breathing too hard. It's getting faster, and you're beginning to panic. That panic leads to faster breathing, and soon enough you're hyperventilating. Your sitting on your knees now, and you slump down so you're bent over. You grab your hair with your hands again and open your eyes, watching the tears hit the carpet below you. Your breathing hasn't loosened up at all.

You're beginning to panic more, and there's a new pain in your chest that tightens up an constricts your breathing, causing it to become rougher yet more shallow. You throw your bag across the room and yank off your shirt, rummage around in your pockets a bit, and find the blade. You need to clear your head. You stare at the little blade for a bit, well, you stare at the blur of the blade through your speed-shakes. You hold your left arm out, wrist up, and dig the blade into your arm before tearing it down the length of your arm. You hear the skin rip. Sideways for attention, longways for results. The pain in your chest eases, and the panicking ceases a little bit. At least you can breathe. You gasp in a few breaths before the shaking itself starts to stop.

You look down at your wrist, and you actually admire this red blood. It bubbles up to the surface and swims over the side into the rippled sea that is your arm. You're bleeding quite a bit, just like the first time, except you don't pass out. You stay there, watching the blood pulse from your arm a bit before realizing what's happening. You go to your computer, and open it up.

It seems there's a message from Dave.

[turntechGodhead began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 4:32 p.m.]

TG: yo shouty john said to message you?

[turntechGodhead ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist at 4:35 p.m.]  
[carcinoGeneticist began pestering turntechGodhead at 5:23 p.m.]

CG: why

TG: where's your capslock? who are you and what have you done with karkat?  
CG: what's the point in locking the caps  
CG: is there a point in locking the caps, besides for it's what i used to do  
CG: there's the key word. used. funny, that works with how i feel right now

Your vision is beginning to spin

TG: this shit isn't funny, dude  
TG: what the fuck is going on  
CG: you have a video cam right  
TG: yeah?  
CG: video me

You don't bother ceasing as a screen pulls up. You see Dave lying on his bed, and you can hear his TV in the background. "Hey," he says, "hot, you're shirtless."

You smile.

"Holy shit."

You hold up the arm that's still bleeding.

"_HOLY SHIT!_"

...

_A/N eeeeh not my best writing, I wanted something to tear you guys apart and I decided this cliffhanger would be pretty fucking good instead. Haha, motherfuckers. (oh god I reference so many songs in my writing i am 1000% ashamed) and fyi I am basing Karkat's panic attack episode thing with something I personally experienced, so ta-ta motherfuckers I ain't doing a shot in the dark_


	10. Chapter 10

BE DAVE

"Oh my god please tell me this is just some sick joke, and that's ketchup or something!" You stare pleadingly at the screen. You take off your shades, needing to get a better look. You see dark red blood, seeping over the side of his ashen skin. It's definitely bad. You can't bear to look at him, but you can't turn away lest he disappears.

"Dave," you can barely hear his voice, he's so quiet, "I think I might have messed up."

You feel panic grip your chest, "No shit, Sherlock." Perhaps you shouldn't have said that, as he cringes away from the screen a little. You mutter an apology before turning away from the screen and grabbing one of your jackets, throwing it around you quickly and tugging on your shoes after fumbling them for a few seconds. When you look back at the screen, Karkat's not there. "Shouty! Where the fuck are you?"

You watch the screen for a few seconds that feel like hours, and you're about to turn away and head out there when he finally pops back into view, wearing the sweater he wore earlier today, "I needed to get something on." Still a quiet little motherfucker. This is not Karkat.

"Did you at least put a bandage on first?" You try to avoid a condescending tone.

He just looks down at his arm and pulls the sleeve up so his grey arm is exposed, "Nope." You suppress a groan when you see his arm is now smeared thickly with blood. Instead of the thin lines streaking his smooth skin, it's a fabric-patterned sticky mess coating his arm. His blood is a bright red, but it's getting darker around his wound. You feel sick thinking about how much blood he could be losing. He looks disgusted, but intrigued at the same time. These fucking trolls and their weird culture shit are definitely going to be the death of you.

You are aware of how desperate you sound when you nearly beg, "Please, just don't mess with it, or at the very least put a bandage on it."

Oh god, it's dripping. How can he just stare at it? Is it so fascinating to see your own life force?

"Dave," it's nearly impossible to hear him.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I can't go over today, something's come up," he laughs a little bit, the corners of his mouth bordering smile territory. This is fucking bad, this is not Karkat, you need someone to get over there and turn him back into his grouchy, shouty, angry self, not this apologetic, quiet, and smiling piece of shit. Is he joking? You want to scream at him, but you're all too aware of how fragile he is at this moment. If you make him feel worse, he could easily do something rash. You decide to get some "professional" help.

[turntechGodhead began pestering tentacleTherapist at 5:34 p.m.]

TG: hey lalonde you busy?  
TT: Yes.  
TG: well you gotta come over  
TG: right now  
TG: major code red  
TT: Dave, I have things to attend to.  
TG: yeah well shouty's bleeding all over the place  
TG: and I have no idea what to do  
TT: Okay, fine.  
TT: I'll be over with Kanaya soon.  
TG: do you have to bring her  
TT: Yes.  
TG: okay fine  
TG: and hurry up

[turntech Godhead ceased pestering tentacleTherapist at 5:39 p.m.]

You really wish she wouldn't bring Kanaya. You've seen so much of those two together. Besides, dragging more people than necessary into this could make Karkat panic. You go back to the video screen. "Karkat?"

He's laying on the carpet in front of the screen.

"Karkat!"

His body jerks and he looks up, "I'm tired, Dave. Fuck off."

"No stay with me, do not fall asleep, okay? I know I keep telling you that you need to sleep but right now just be your insomniac self and do not go to sleep."

He sighs and props his head up with one hand, "Okay." He looks fucking exhausted.

"I've called over Rose and Kanaya, I want them to help you."

That was clearly the wrong thing to say. He gets up and walks away from the screen. You sit there in near panic until he reappears, and sits back down on the carpet

"Don't tell anybody, Dave."

"About what?"

He has a bored expression on his face, "About all this bullshit, okay? It's too much for other people to deal with, and right now I'm already concerned with having you fucking leave me. Kanaya's not exactly perfect with keeping a goddamn secret, Rose doesn't know how to to save her life, and you'd rather be cool than keep a secret, so can we at least keep this shit between us so that I don't fucking lose it and slit all your throats?"

You get an idea. Clearly he's not going to talk to Rose or Kanaya, or even let them see his arm. But he'll let you see it, won't he? One more time?

"Can I see your arm real quick?"

He frowns a little and looks into the screen as if to make sure no-one's there, then he shows you his still bleeding arm, "Why?"

You press PRTSC and get a screen shot of that, immediately pasting it on a blank program. You've at least got picture proof you can show the girls on the off chance they don't believe how dire the situation is, "I just wanted to see if it had stopped bleeding or not."

He yanks the sleeve back down over his arm. You hear Bro's voice from another room. Shit they're probably already here. Rose definitely hurried. Good. "I'll be right back, Karkat, don't go anywhere okay?" You get up and go into the living room, where you see Rose and Kanaya.

Shit shit shit, they're covered in puppets. Goddamn Bro and his moderately hilarious antics. "Bro!"

"Little dude, look, you've got chicks over."

"Bro go away, leave them alone, we're serious biz right now," you motion for them to make their way over to you, "Just go fuck a puppet or something, Bro."

"You watch your fucking mouth." Master of irony and hypocrisy. You will learn his ways one day.

You just groan loudly and lead your platonic female friends into your room. You motion for them to stand out of the view of the camera for a moment while you go and sit right in front, "Karkat you still there?"

"Is that Dave?"

You wince. He's definitely lost a lot of blood if he's delirious. Either that or he hasn't been eating again. Or perhaps he fell asleep again? You glance over at the girls. Kanaya, at least, looks concerned. "Yeah, dude, it's me. Did you ever put on the bandage like I said?"

"No," his voice is quiet and you turn up the volume on your computer to try to hear him better, "I fell asleep again."

Your heart feels like it's in your throat, and you look desperately at Kanaya and Rose. Rose mouths, 'let me talk to him'. You look back at Karkat. "Would you like to talk to Rose?"

"I am NOT talking to that witchbitch!" you wince at the volume. Wow, he sure is loud sometimes. Most times. You actually miss his loud screams. These quiet conversations you've been having lately now seem extraordinarily out of place.

You rub your eyes with one hand, "Okay, just, go get a bandage or something." You watch the screen to make sure he's gone, then you press your thumb over the webcam and motion for the girls to come over to the screen. You open up the program with the picture of Karkat and his injury.

Kanaya gasps and Rose stares in disbelief. The troll girl opens her mouth to say something, but Karkat's voice chimes in from the microphone on the other computer, and you comically wave them away and out of the camera range while removing your thumb from the webcam.

"I couldn't find bandages."

"That's okay, bro, uhh, is your house unlocked?"

"_Hey_!"

"What?"

"Don't fucking try to send anyone over, or I swear I won't fucking be here."

You're getting flustered and feel the claws of desperation raking your throat, and your stomach twists, leaving you feeling positively sick. "Wh- What about Kanaya? You remember her, right?"

It hurts you to see him close his eyes and have to think about Kanaya. He looks like he's on the brim of losing consciousness. "Uhh, yeah, she fucking ditched me for Rose the past, like, two sweeps."

"Will you talk to her?"

"...I guess."

You move out of the screen's range and Kanaya takes your place. She makes attempts to coax him into showing her his arm, but he threatens her with his life, and she quiets down about the topic. You go over to Rose, and speak to her in hushed tones. "I'm going over there."

"He'll realize what's going on if you're not talking to him. If he gets mad at Kanaya and you're not here to take her place, he's gonna flip his shit more than usual."

"Then what should I do? Leaving him alone is bad, it'd be best to get there while he's still awake and capable of unlocking his door."

"I'll go."

"He hates you for some reason, though. He'll never let you in."

She rolls her eyes, "Yes, because I've never dealt with a situation close to this before. Never once. Definitely not with someone you dated before. Never, Dave."

You'd rather her not sit there and condescend you into the ground with her aptly timed cynicism. "Fine," you hiss at her. She takes off, and you turn back over to Kanaya. She looks paler than she usually does, and she already looks incredibly pale.

"His bleeding has stopped at least. But now he's crying, and I don't know what to do. I'm used to dealing with drunk people, not this degree of depressed people." She pronounces every word with precise annunciation. She's so pretentious, its hilarious, even in this situation. Cynicism and pretentiousness go together well.

You sit beside her and look into the screen. He's sitting right in front, and you can see him from about his mouth down; the computer's been angled lower because he used to be laying down. Each breath he takes is shaky, and you can tell he's crying based on how every once in a while his body jerks a little bit upright. His mouth is open slightly, and you can see his sharp little teeth.

"I'm sorry, Dave."

You grab the sides of the screen, wishing you could just go through it and embrace him in a huge fucking consolation hug, "No, don't be sorry."

"I need to cut again."

"Karkat no!"

His voice hitches, "I don't want to feel this guilt!"

"You'll feel even more if you do it," you really wish you could convince him to stop.

"You don't get it, you didn't go through what I went through!" He's shivering rapidly, "Did you even notice the bruises?" You wince a little at how harsh his tone is. It's exceptionally brutal, even for Karkat.

"No.."

"Well fucking look!" he holds his arms wide open and pulls up his sweater over his stomach, and you actually notice that he's got a dark bruise on his stomach, and he's got a black eye. You thought those were just shadows.

"Where the fuck did you get those?!"

"_School, _Dave. The wonderful place of learning. And guess what I got told while I was getting the shit beaten out of me? It was the wonderful fucking phrase of the gods, "get over it"!" He's bordering on Rose-style sarcasm, and his tone of voice is practically dripping with the same cynicism she uses. Trolls sure get the hang of things quickly.

He reaches behind himself and grabs something, then holds it up in front of the camera. You notice it's a sharpener blade. You scream out something that resembles an anger and fear combination, and beside you Kanaya lets out something similar. He closes out of the video program.

"Holy shit!" you jump up and look back at Kanaya, "To hell with what Rose said, I'm fucking going over there now!"

She gets up as well, "I'm not going to let him do this." Is that a trace of guilt in her eyes? Whatever.

You hurry out of the room with her following, glad she at least feels the need to protect him kind of like you do. You wish she'd just be his moirail already, he desperately needs one. One who can withstand this pit of depression he's in, and you've got to say, Kanaya's probably the most mentally sound person you know. After literally jumping in the car, you nearly speed out onto the road. You stay somewhat near the speed limit, for getting a ticket at a time like this would be highly uncalled for. You're aware that your foot not on the gas pedal is tapping rapidly, and you realize you're genuinely scared for his life. Cool kids don't get scared, though. You guess you can deal with being uncool just this once. You'll be scarred for life, though. Bro can never hear of it.

You manage to get there, and you see Rose standing out on the steps that lead up to his place. You place the car in park and rapidly turn it off before jumping out and running over to her, "Did he unlock it?"

"If he did would I be out here? No, I'm working on it, though."

"How?"

"I'm trying to use magic to unlock it."

You cannot fucking believe her. Instead of doing something smart, she's being dumb. You want to believe she's just as overwhelmed as you are, not watching you suffer for her own weird personal gain. With an exasperated sound you throw your arms in the air, "Oh my god, that's not gonna work."

You start knocking on the door, actively preventing yourself from pounding it into oblivion, "Karkat, fucking let me in." You do not want to deal with any bullshit right now.

To your complete and utter surprise you hear a couple locks unlocking, but the chain ones that deadbolt the door are still there. You see his face through the small gap between the door and the frame. "Dave?"

"Yes, it's me."

"Is it just you?" He sounds extremely cautious. He really doesn't want anyone else here.

You look over at the girls, then before he realize what you're doing and to make it seem like there's no-one there, you look to the other side, "Just me, don't worry KK, nobody else is here."

For once, you're glad he's too delusional to rationalize otherwise.

He closes the door and unlocks it, then slowly opens the door, and the moment you can see him through it you spring in there with Rose and Kanaya directly behind you. You see disbelief flit across his gaze, to be replaced by a look of complete betrayal. You swear any trace of light in his eyes disappeared in that moment. He turns around and sprints to his room in a last-ditch effort, with the three of you hard on his heels. He's got his back to the wall, and he's shaking so bad you're afraid he might end up fall over.

"You lied to me, Dave! You fucking lied!" You can hear the pain in his voice, and it fucking hurts.

Rose chimes in with, "It's for your own safety!" As if that will make him think differently.

You look at him, and notice his arm with the deep cut is not bleeding at all, but his arms have a lot of shallower cuts going up and down. He's been busy. You take a step towards him and he growls loudly, his vocal cords still working as well as ever. Something changes right after, as quick as if something snap. Or broke. His growl subsides into silence, and he begins to look more afraid than defensive. You stand there and just watch him as he slides to the ground, his knees pulled up to his chest, his head on his knees, and his arms covering his head. You go to embrace him, but Rose stops you with an arm across your chest.

"I think he's having a panic attack, be gentle, okay? Don't try to move him, just comfort him. It will be better for him in the long run. If he wants to move, let him, don't pressure him," her voice is a whisper.

You nod and look at Kanaya, "Can you find something to work like a bandage?"

She nods and heads off to look for something suitable.

You turn your gaze back to him, and lightly walk over to him, kneeling beside him. "It's okay, Karkat," you say as you gently rub his head a little bit. His hair feels dry and raggedy, no doubt because he never seems to fucking introduce vitamins to his body. You glance over as Rose sits on the bed. She's probably analyzing Karkat at this moment. Your attention is dragged back to your boyfriend, or as he'd call it in his weird troll language, matesprit, as he drapes his arms over your shoulders and presses his head into your chest. You hug him tightly, not wanting to let go of him. You feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest against your own. It brings you comfort, until the breathing gets gets labored.

You look towards Rose in desperation, making a confused sound. She doesn't seem to understand what you're implying. "He's having a hard time breathing, I think."

"Rub his back hard, it should help ease his breathing."

You do as she says and he hugs you tighter, pressing his head into your chest even more. It probably constricts his breathing, but you want to let him do what makes him feel the most comfortable. The last thing you want is to upset him even more than he already is. As his breathing gradually gets better, you notice that his shaking slows down too. You hold him close, and look up as Kanaya returns holding a towel. "It took a bit, but I found a small towel I think might work, and some medical tape. I even wet it down to help clean off the dried blood."

"Thank you," you try to pry Karkat off of you, but he clings to you, apparently not wanting to turn to have to face them. "I think he's embarrassed."

She smiles a little bit, "It's fine, I can deal with it." She gently grabs the arm that's most wounded and starts to clean off the dried blood. She must have accidentally hurt him because he lets out a yelp and turns his head to face her. She apologizes as he turns his head back to your chest and just wraps the towel around his arm, securing it with the medical tape she found. She looks at Rose, and motions to go to the doorway. You watch them for a moment, but then look back at Karkat. You don't know what they're talking about, but you assume it has something to do with him.

His breathing has evened out, and has gotten deeper. You nudge him a little and he doesn't move. He's probably asleep. Rough day for this loudmouth.

You pick him up (because he's fucking light as hell) and set him on the bed. You pull the blankets back and set him underneath the sheet, just so he has something over him. You look up and Kanaya motions for you to go over to her. You look at Karkat, make sure he's okay, then get up and walk over to her. She leads you out into the living room.

"Dave," Rose sounds somewhat sad, "Kanaya said he looks dead."

"He's not dead," your voice is filled with disbelief, "you can see him breathing in there."

"He may not be dead outside, but something inside got killed today. I think he should be sent somewhere he's constantly being watched. You know, so he can be as safe as possible."

"Like a fucking hospital?!" Oh hell no. They are not sending your boyfriend away.

Kanaya pipes in, "It's for his own good. You saw how badly he hurt himself. If he hadn't been smart enough to reach out to you, he'd probably be dead by now. He clearly can't handle it out here. He did this over some bruises he got at school. This extreme of a stunt over _bruises._"

"Well if he never got the bruises he'd be fine. If I could have just protected him from those douchebags.."

"Dave do you think he's ever been fine?" Kanaya's voice is quiet and terse.

You shut your mouth, and you hear an almost silent scraping sound. You look to your side, where the hallway is. You see half of Karkat standing there with one hand around the corner, his nails digging into the wall, and you notice just how dead he really looks. Skinny as a skeleton, completely pale skin, and like Kanaya had mentioned before, those unlit eyes. Those are what get you. It's like there's nothing behind that gaze. Nothing at all.

"Don't send me away," his voice cracks through his quiet voice. Quiet... you don't like that at all.

Kanaya looks over and opens her mouth slightly, "You should be asleep."

"I don't sleep."

She looks at Rose and Rose walks over to Karkat, grabbing his upper arm and pulling him back into the room, despite his loud protests.

Kanaya looks back at you, her eyes full of pleading, "Please, Dave. I don't want him dead. I've seen enough dead friends."

You don't know what to do.

…

_A/N Well lookie here, another lengthy one for you guys. My my how I spoil you. So, what do you think? Will Karkat be sent away? Or will Dave manage to convince Rose and Kanaya to not call the hospital? To be brutally honest, this whole thing is going away from the original story I had planned (but the ending will still be the same I am determined!), so even I don't know if he'll go away or not! All depends on my mood when I next decide to get off my fat ass to write. Anyhoo, I wrote this one from Dave's perspective, because there are some surprises done by Karkat that wouldn't have been as dramatic if he was the one y'all were "being". In case it isn't obvious, I fucking love drama, and writing cliche shit._

_By the way I love every single one of my readers. Full homo._


	11. Chapter 11

BE KARKAT

You're sitting on your bed, facing the corner. You can feel her eyes boring into the back of your head, and there's nothing you can do about it. You fucked up, you fucked up big time. You're an absolute piece of shit, if a shit-eating dog found you in the backyard it wouldn't eat you because you're the worst piece of shit that ever existed. That analogy was kinda gross, actually. You think you'll probably find something different instead. More like, you're the most pitiful excuse for a troll, you'd be culled on sight if this was Alternia. Culled on motherfucking sight, your remains would be left out to rot because nobody would give a damn to do anything with them. Yes, that's better.

"You're suffering from clinical depression, Karkat. It's a medical thing."

Who the fuck does she think she is, talking to you like that. As if you were too dumb to realize what the fuck was going on with you. You know you're depressed, you know it's some fucking chemical imbalance in your head, but that does not relieve the pain. That does not diminish your desire to die. You'd rather be dead than be here. You'd rather be dead.

She moves a little closer to you and you tense up as you feel her hand on your back, "Kanaya's going to talk sense into Dave, and we'll all make sure you get the help you need."

"The only fucking help I need is a noose around my goddamn neck and a good place to hang."

You wince as she slaps the back of your head, "Stop it right now, those kinds of thoughts are bad."

You don't fucking say.

There is a huge desire inside of you to attack her, to simply snap her in half so you can get away, but you know you can't. She took down an ogre with two needles. She could probably kick your scrawny ass to next Tuesday with a haphazard punt. Regardless of these thoughts, you know you can't get away. You're not even going to try. Compliance is key.

You tilt your head down so you don't have to look at her, then you turn around and grab one of the softer blankets on the human bed and draw it around yourself, covering your entire body with it. You turn back towards the corner and brood in silence. Gloomy behaviour is always accentuated with a hood. She sighs loud enough for you to hear it, "Karkat, for the first time ever, I think, I want you to get pissed off and yell at me. Yell loud enough for the president to hear. Remember how mad you got at Dave on the meteor?" she laughs a little bit, "And when you got caught in his cape you just ranted for what felt like hours? Those were pretty good times. I want that Karkat back, because something about the grumpiness made you per-"

"Don't."

She stops mid-sentence at your interruption, "Excuse me?"

"I said 'don't'. That means, please stop talking to me, which you'd fucking understand if you actually listened to me. I do not want to think about those times. It is fucking embarrassing, and honestly it makes me want to up and die," you mutter. You're not quite sure if she can hear you, but it's nice having your voice quiet. You might keep it this way, people tend to actually pay attention to you when you're quiet. Looks like those sweeps of screaming did the exact opposite, and nobody cared. Now you're quiet, and everyone drops their loads to listen. The tables have turned indeed. Someone finally cares. No, they don't really care. It's only because you tried to off yourself that they do. Once you stop being "at risk" they'll all leave you again.

That's a good idea. Go along with it until you're deemed mentally stable, then once they leave you alone, you can die without them knowing. Who would even care if a mutantblood like yourself jumped off a building, or dived in front of a train, or hanged yourself in your room? No-one. No-one at all.

You can hear her talking, saying something that resembles encouragement laced with cynicism but you aren't listening to her, you're listening to yourself. You're listening to yourself telling you everyone hates you, everyone wants you dead. They're all pretending, they're all lying to you. They want you alive, but they don't give a damn if you're dead inside. So long as your physical presence resides in this fucking plane of oblivion, they've got their hearts' content. You can't do anything to your own body, they control you. You're simply a puppet, worse than that, you're being used.

You're ungrateful, you're rash.

You did all this over a few bruises.

She can't see that those bruises are not solely on the outside, they're inside too. All you can feel is 'get over it'.

Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. _Get over it._

"Are you even listening to me?"

You shrug a little bit, "Was what you were spouting off worthwhile to hear?"

"I said they've made a decision."

You freeze. "Do I have a say in any of it?" You turn around to look at them. Kanaya and Dave have entered the room and are standing relatively close to the door. The rainbow drinker is nearly as pale as an average human, and Dave looks simply ghostly. Once you make eye contact with Dave, he looks away. You're too disgusting, too vile to look at. You're trash. Garbage.

He takes a deep breath, "Some research has been done prior to this, umm, event, and Kanaya believes she has found a hospital suitable for you. It's specifically for teens at risk."

Boom, there it is. One of them finally coined it. At risk. That you are.

"I ask again, do I have a say in any of this?"

"It's for your own good, Karkat," hes practically pleading.

You can't believe it. Even after you told him you were feeling used they go and do this to you. Sending you away? Your education is fucked, and you can bet on your fucking life they're telling every motherfucking one of your 'friends' that you got sent away to a mental hospital because poor little Karkles can't handle a few bruises. You bet Vriska is going to laugh. Gamzee won't give a fuck. Terezi doesn't care about you any more. Sollux would crack a few jokes at your expense. Nepeta would probably joke about you being in 'purrison'. None of them actually care about you.

You feel like you have a hole in your chest. You feel like there's nothing there except this gaping hole, right through the centre of your chest. Your heart isn't even there, it's nothingness. Nothingness and dread. The room spins a little and you turn back to face the wall, pressing your head into the corner to keep from fainting. "How long will I stay here?"

It's Kanaya who responds, "You've got at least a day, due to some complications contacting the administrators at the establishment, but they believe they've got a room for you in which you can be properly tended to. It's not even a horrible hospital, or anything, they've got reliable staff and there is no record of patient abuse."

Leave it to Kanaya to make things worse.

"I suppose you will be staying here with me, today, to make sure I don't do anything rash. You know, because of these bruises?" you can't help but get snarky.

It definitely hits her hard. Good. Fucking bitch deserves it. Rose gets up and leads her girlfriend out into your living room, presumably to comfort her. Dave sits behind you on the bed, seeing as you're tucked away into the corner.

"Dave," you mutter, "how long will I be there?"

"That depends on how good you do."

"Can you move me out of this god forsaken apartment then? I won't have enough fucking money for the upkeep if I am immobilized in some goddamn facility. Plus I'm sure my motherfucking landlord will probably kick my sorry ass out onto the shitty streets because of this anyways."

He makes a sound of confusion, "Where would I move it to?"

"You can sell it, I don't fucking care."

"Karkat I am not selling your stuff. You- You've got barely anything here, I'm sure I can convince Bro to let me take your stuff and put it in our garage. It's just a bed, a couch, and some belongings, right?"

"Yes, but I am not sure if I want puppet ass all over my stuff."

He laughs a little bit. He must feel as if you're getting back to normal. The desperation is evident in his voice, "It'll be fine. Then you can move back in here or something."

You look at him and he looks away, "Give me a phone, Dave. I need to call someone."

He gives you the phone, and you call your landlord. It only takes a few minutes, but you manage to convince him to let you move out on such short notice. You agree to pay for next months rent. It's not like you'll need the money. You hand the phone back to Dave.

You turn to face back into the corner, but before you can get your brood on he wraps his arms around your stomach and pulls you into his lap. You don't bother squirming.

"Is this what a grub feels like?"

"Hey don't!" Now you squirm. That is a mighty insult.

He laughs a little bit and keeps holding you close, "Aww, I liked it better when you were clinging to me. That was adorable."

You growl a little bit, "Don't." He's going to be in for a beating if he keeps this up.

He seems to be trying to be funny, or lighten up the mood a little bit. Yes, because your matesprit has recently made the dumb decision to call someone after nearly winning at taking his life, and now you're sending him away to a mental hospital against his will, yes now is the perfect time for jokes. "Is 'don't' your replacement for 'fuck'?" He's aggravating.

"Fuck off, Dave."

He puts his head on your shoulder, you can feel it through the blanket, "Shouty, I don't want you to go." You soften up a little bit, he sounds entirely serious. He holds you tighter and you wince a little bit. "How can I be cool without my sidekick? It's just not possible."

"You can be an ironic superhero, one without the dumbass sidekick, 'cause the idiot sidekick died in a freak accident."

"No implying sidekick you is dead, or real you for that matter."

You turn around to look at him, and you know behind those shades he can't bear to look you in the eye, "I'm already dead." Your body is bordering on death and you can feel it inside you. That hole in your chest is death, that's why you feel nothing.

"That's not funny-"

"Make me feel alive, Dave."

He frowns a little bit and opens his mouth to say something but for once you cut him off by kissing him. You desperately want to feel something, anything at all. Anything.

But you don't.

You continue to kiss him as he pulls the blanket hood off your head and holds you closer. He's warm, but you don't feel anything. You break off the kiss after nearly ten seconds and rest your head on his chest, and he lightly strokes the back of your head.

"Do you feel anything, Karkat?"

"Yes."

But you don't.

...

_A/N Haha fuckers, back onto the 4 page limit for you guys. This was exactly four pages, and I was gonna add more but I thought hey, it's been five fucking days since the last update, I should just give them the bullshit I got. And here you go. It's only, like, 2000 words, so it's technically smaller than average, but oh well. Better than nothing. I wrote this at 5 a.m. so if there are any typos please tell me so I can fix them and not wallow in embarrassment when I find them myself._

_Oh my god I can feel my personal DaveKat ship sinking as I write this. Noo this is my fic why must I torture myself with this no. But it adds so much to the story omfg. I can't wait to get to the end, I have it all planned out and I swear you will all hate me for it. I know I keep saying that I'll make you guys suffer and more often than not I don't uphold my end of the bargain, but the ending I swear on my bed, will be fucking rad._


	12. Chapter 12

You managed to get the most of your stuff moved out. You left the appliances like the microwave because you never used them anyways. It was no hassle to clean out your fridge and cupboards, it looked like someone raided them anyways and left only the most basic rations, like some crackers. Really all you had in there were crackers and some cans of soup, which Nepeta left. You got pretty scolded about that. As you stand there and look into the empty apartment, you finally realize just how bad your situation is. Everyone agreed to remove your stuff from the apartment. It's like they don't expect you to come back for a very long time, if ever.

A hand on your shoulder signals that it's time to go. John will be driving you to the place, since Dave is preoccupied with moving your stuff into his place, and Rose and Kanaya are busy doing god knows what. The mental hospital you're headed to is called Ashen Falls. Because that totally doesn't sound like a heaping mountain of the charred remains of those who committed suicide continuously falling into the deep fucking abyss that is this depression you feel. It's supposedly to symbolize them auspiticing between you and 'your demons', but humans don't quite get the concept of what the ashen quadrant is really about. This place they're sending you to is truly a mockery of the quadrants.

"This is just ridiculous," you turn around and shrug John's hand off of you. There's no time for this.

"Have some composure, it'll be fine. Let's just go," he says as he leads you out into the parking lot. Predictably, Kanaya spilled the truth to everyone, because apparently Vriska was worthy of being trusted not to tell. Well that spread like wildfire, and even though the rainbow drinker continuously apologizes to you, you cannot forgive her. Your laptop was nearly exploding with messages, oddly enough mostly from Nepeta and her intolerable moirail. You checked a couple, and it was mostly her expressing concern at first, which then turned to anger when you didn't respond, and that's when Equius chimed in with some angry retorts about how much you're hurting Nepeta and how sad she is, and then he got off on how depraved it is. Then it got weird. Of course, however, you're made out to be the evil one in this situation. Because you making another attempt on your life is a deliberate attack on those you know. John shouts to you, and you realize you've been standing still like a dumbass doing some fucking ridiculous exposition in your head, even though you know about everything that happened. You're Karkat, you experienced it firsthand. You get in the car.

Once you're inside the car, you sit there with your head down. You can feel his gaze boring into the side of your head. "Well?"

"Well what?" you don't get what he's asking.

"Are you gonna get buckled or what?"

You grab the belt and fumble with it for a moment. He reaches over to help but you curse him out, eventually figuring out how the damn thing works. It's all pointless, really, but if it makes him feel better then you might as well fucking do it.

He starts the car and begins the drive. The place is nearly an hour away by car. Somewhere out in the countryside because it's 'peaceful' and 'has a better atmosphere for recovery'. Bullshit upon layers of bullshit. It's so if you run away, there's a substantial distance between you and another city, so they can easily find you without getting into too much trouble with the locals. Transparent bitches, all of them.

There's not much to do in a car for a while. You rest your head on your hand and stare wistfully out the window for a few minutes before John tosses his phone over to you. "Talk to some of your friends on pesterchum, they've been worried sick and haven't stopped bothering me about you."

"Bullshit, John."

"Just do it, asshole." He smiles. It's nice to not have someone treat you like you're two sweeps old about this whole ordeal. You sign in to your account and immediately there's a message from- from Sollux, of all people. That's unexpected.

[twinArmageddons began pestering carcinoGeneticist at 9:41 a.m.]

TA: holy fuckiing shiit iit'2 kk  
CG: what do you want  
TA: ii want to know what the fuck happened and why the fuck you diidn't call me

You close your eyes. It's nice he's back to his old quirk. You personally were not too fond of his copycat-Aradia quirk. You sigh and open your eyes again.

CG: i'm sure you've gotten the whole spiel from vriska  
CG: spiderbitch can't keep her mouth shut  
TA: kk iif ii can go back to thii2 horriible quiirk then you can 2ure as hell pre22 the cap2 lock button  
CG: too bad, i'm not in the mood to yell  
TA: who the fuck are you, and what diid you do to my be2t friend  
CG: don't play games  
TA: you're not even 2weariing at me. Jeez kk how bad diid you break?

How bad _did _you break? Pretty fucking bad.

CG: bad enough to be sent away  
TA: woww  
TA: 2orry feferii won't 2top tryiing to take my phone  
TA: made me acciidental fii2hdiick  
TA: 2he really want2 to talk to you  
CG: oh  
CG: might as well, i seem to have an hour long trip ahead of me out into the middle of fucking nowhere  
TA: here ii'll let her talk on my account 2he'2 too excited to change  
TA: ) (- - - - -EY KARKAT  
CG: oh jeez  
TA: I ) (ave been worried sick! glub!  
TA: w) (ere's your angry capslock? glub glub glub  
TA: 38?  
CG: i have no fucking idea what that 38? represents  
TA: glub glub it's my confused face!  
TA: and answer my question dummy  
CG: has my continuous yelling gotten so fucking famous that a change in quirk is startling  
CG: i just don't see the point in yelling anymore  
TA: glub glub siiiiig) (  
TA: don't be so down! it's all good!  
TA: it's just a p) (ase, you'll be good as new soon! for s) (ore! glub glub!  
CG: please put the dumbass who owns this account back on the line  
TA: awww okay sea you later  
TA: 2orry kk 2he's just really excited  
CG: yeah i can tell  
CG: what did you originally want to bore me about  
CG: or have you solved that  
TA: ii want the detaiil2 from you  
TA: what happened and why ii2 vrii2ka goiing around 2ayiing you 2liit your wrii2t and triied to diie  
CG: well she's not wrong  
TA: holy fuck kk  
TA: what the actual fuck  
CG: i may or may not have made another attempt on my life  
CG: and if i have it is apparent that i have failed  
TA: 2hiit why do you gotta do thii2  
CG: because i can't see a reason to live, sollux

[carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering twinArmageddons at 10:17 a.m.]

You just love leaving him hanging on a major fucking cliffhanger, don't you? So dramatic. More dramatic that necessary, really. You disregard any more messages from him and look to see if anyone else has messaged. There are quite a few. Tavros asked if he can help at all, Eridan is asking if you'll hook up with anyone in, as he graciously put it, the 'loony bin', and Aradia left a message about how even if you die you won't be gone from this mortal plane.

Way to help, guys. Tavros is the only logical person here. You're tempted to respond, but you're not sure if you want to go through another long conversation, only to get insulted in the end. It'd be easier to be bored. You sign out of pesterchum and notice that John's info is autoput back into it. You glance at him for a moment before signing in as ectoBiologist.

There's a message from Jade.

[gardenGnostic began pestering ectoBiologist at 10:05 a.m.]

GG: john?  
EB: yes this is john  
GG: you're headed out with karkat right?

Oh this could be bad. He would probably throw a fit if he knew you were doing this. But you have to, you fucking have to. For the first time in forever you feel excitement well up in your chest. A welcome replacement to the nothingness.

EB: on the way now  
GG: so it's true he attempted suicide again  
EB: yep the bastard tried and failed like he expected

Shit shit shit John would never respond like that. You want to scream and chuck the phone away, but if you even try to do anything John will know you were meddling and he'll probably get in an argument with you. You don't want to argue with him, you're not in the mood for arguing.

GG: umm  
GG: haha what  
GG: is this even john  
EB: totally john  
EB: how dare you not believe me

You are not a good John

GG: oh! okay then!

The phone rings. You gasp in shock and your natural reaction is to simply chuck the phone behind you into the back of the car.

"Karkat what the everliving fuck?" John looks at you with a very confused expression, and he busts out laughing. You have a mighty concern for the sake of the car, and you hope he doesn't crash in the middle of his sporadic laughing fit. What a time.

"I forgot phones rang," you turn around in the car and reach back to grab the phone. You struggle for a small amount of time, much to John's amusement, before you can finally grab the phone. Motherfuck it's Jade. "Uhh, it's your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend, numbnuts."

"Jade."

"Well answer it!"

You turn around back into your seat and hesitantly push the green 'answer' button. You slowly put the phone up to the side of your head, "Hello?"

You can hear her voice pretty loud on the other end, almost accusingly toned, "John?"

"Yes this is John."

Both parties bust a gut laughing. You hear faint laughter from the other side of the phone, and assume that Jade dropped the phone. John looks as if he's going to crash the car. You let out a few awkward 'haha's in order to not feel as out of place, when in reality you would rather open the car door and fall out into the street.

You hear Jade's voice on the other end of the phone again, "I knew it was you and not John, there was too much self loathing in that comment."

"Hilarious, dogbreath."

"Can I talk to John?"

"That is illegal, he is currently driving a motor vehicle. How dare you try to rope him into your nefarious schemes, miss Harley. How dare you. Yeah, here," you hand the phone to John. They start talking about obnoxious human things you don't care for, and you begin to space out when they begin to talk about you. John's voice tenses up a little and gets quieter, though there is no hiding it from you. You're not deaf. John gives her the lowdown on everything that went on with you. Your attempt, how you 'made the smart decision to call Dave', how you're now going away to get treatment for your depression, blah blah blah. You take the opportunity to sneakily unbuckle yourself, then not so sneakily toss yourself into the backseat. He turns his head to make sure you're not dead, then turns so he's facing the road again, telling her how you decided it's be a great idea to jump into the back of the car.

Really you just want to lay down. You lie on your side and curl up slightly, then you close your eyes. It's been a long time since you actually slept. Surely it wouldn't hurt to try now? You're tired now that you realize it. You're really fucking tired.

You jerk awake and look around, panicking a little at the fact that you're in the back seat of a car, before you remember what happened. You have a small headache now. Great. After placing one hand to your forehead, you look over at John. He's no longer on the phone, and the scenery around the car has changed. Instead of the slated city colours of auburn and steely grey, it's this overcast jaded green underneath a watery sky sparked with clouds. Everything seems softer, more curved, instead of the sharp edges of the buildings in the city.

John takes notice in the fact that you are awake, "Sleep well?"

"How long was I asleep?"

"Only about twenty minutes. We've got a few minutes to go left."

You lie back down and close your eyes again. Maybe in those few minutes you can get rid of this oppressive headache.

This time you slowly wake up as the car stops. You sit up and look out the windows. There's a smooth, black, paved road leading towards this soft grey building. It seems out of place surrounded by dark greens and smooth blues. John gets out of the car and the door to your left opens, "Come on, Vantas."

You climb out of the car and stretch. "It's bright, let's hurry." You're still not used to how fucking bright it is here all the time. Not as bright as it would be on Alternia, but still pretty fucking bright. You and he walk up the hot pavement towards the building, and it seems someone has walked out to meet you. Predictably, it's a human. You wonder if there are any trolls here at all.

"Is this the party for Karkat Vantas?"

"Wonderful fucking party," you mumble.

John looks at you, "Yeah, we are on time, right?"

"Yes," she turns around, "follow me, please."

You both follow her inside, where it's, luckily, cooler and darker. The layout, from what you can see, is the initial hallway you're in, and to the right of the desk is another hallway. As you near the desk you look down and see double doors, a small stretch of hallway, and more double doors. Probably all locked as extra protection so nobody escapes. You squint to see down the hallway, and you see a room filled with tables. Probably the place for communing with lusi and human family relatives. To the left of the desk is a single door that most likely leads to offices for the workers here. Wonderful environment.

Your attention is snapped back towards John and the lady when he lightly bumps the back of your head, "Earth to Karkat, we're talking to you, you have plenty of time to get acquainted with the environment later on." You mumble an apology and turn your attention back to whatever they were doing. You answer a few questions, sign a couple papers, and before you know it you're waving goodbye to John, and headed into the double doors.

...

_A/N Whew, I have been dying to write more so you guys get another surprise update. And right now I am just going to apologize if there are any errors in Sollux's or Feferi's quirks. The html coding on this site likes to mess with the typing sometimes, and I am just awful with sollux's quirk. Alright, question time, do you guys think I should do some time skips in order to keep the story consistently interesting, or would you rather go through Karkat's experience in the wondrous hospital at a slower pace?_


	13. Chapter 13

It has only been a day or so. Yesterday you spent time getting acquainted with the surroundings, and getting your room established. Today, you are "woken up" at 7 a.m. You were not asleep of course. You have an hour to take a shower and get dressed before breakfast at 8. You already feel extremely sick just thinking about it. Will they force feed you? You hurry into the hallway and rush to the bathroom and vomit. It only comes up slightly foamed water, and not very much of it. You're scared.

Some human, obviously personnel here, pops their head in, "Are you feeling okay, Vantas?"

You wipe your mouth, "Just feeling a little under the weather."

The man simply nods a little and closes the door. You hate how there aren't many locks.

You take a very quick shower mainly to get the grease out of your hair, then you get dressed in sweatpants and a tanktop. Anything with buttons or zippers is off limits to you. You might somehow hurt yourself with them. You go back to your room. It's 7:35. With a groan you sit on your bed and pull your legs up to your chest, dreading having to go out there. In all honesty, you'd rather spend your time in here, but you know that since every last motherfucker in here so obviously knows everything better for you, you'll comply. At least you can still be a sarcastic asshole in your head. They can't take that away from you.

A little before 8 you get a knock on the door. Then it opens without your consent. You can't lock it, or keep anyone out. Someone close to your age pops her head in, "You're the new guy, right?"

"Fuck off."

She laughs a little bit, "Get your ass out here now, or we'll all go hungry." She closes the door. So yeah, they're definitely forcing you to socialize. Fucking brilliant.

You get up and leave the room, crossing your arms over your chest and keeping the undersides of your wrists pinned against your chest. You're rather ashamed. As you look around at the people, you notice that there is a majority of humans, with you being the only patient troll. You don't see a personnel troll, but John convinced you there was one, so you hope he wasn't just lying. Okay, either humans are unbelievably emotionally susceptible (which you fully believe) or trolls just manage to keep themselves more sane. Probably both. Humans fucking suck.

While you were condescending their race in your mind, they had apparently gradually turned to face you. Probably haven't seen a troll in a while. You suddenly feel very self conscious and turn your head away towards the ground, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. After a few seconds you turn your head slightly back in their direction, and they are no longer facing you. They're waiting expectantly by the door. Probably for food. You feel sick again and sit in one of the chairs that are just placed sporadically throughout this place.

You sit for a minute or so before they announce breakfast is ready, and while everyone else is clustered towards the door, you sit back, unable to get up. You just can't do it. One of the personnel waves you over, and you just stare back, hoping they understand. A look of concern crosses her face, and she walks over to you, "Can you stand?"

"I- I don't want to eat."

She seems to understand, at least a little bit, "You have to, otherwise you can't get better."

You close your eyes tightly, "I just can't."

"Tell you what," she starts, "if you go in there and eat half the plate of food, I'll let you go early. You don't have to eat all of it."

There's no way you'll be able to eat that much, but you force yourself to stand up, aware that you're shaking again. She leads you into a room where there is a long table, and you take a seat at the end, hoping you don't get stuck next to someone who asks too many questions. With your hands tucked under the table, you keep your head facing down as they pass out plates of food.

You want to vomit. You feel your heart in your throat as you stare down at the food. The people around you begin to chatter about things you don't understand, while you simply stare at the food. You spare a glance up and once you catch sight of someone chewing with their mouth somewhat open, you barely manage to suppress a dry heave. You hesitantly put one hand on the clear plastic fork in front of you, and fiddle with it in your grip. Perhaps you can pretend, or maybe someone around you will take your food? You press the fork between your forefinger and your thumb, and press slightly so it bends a little inwards, then you release the pressure so it moves back to its original position. While you contemplate your options for getting out of eating, your applied pressure is gradually increasing until _SNAP!_

The chatter immediately ceases and you feel all eyes on you. Your mouth is slightly open, and you're holding the two ends of a broken fork in your hand. Way to make a scene. You feel faint and completely self conscious, ending up dropping the two halves of the fork on the table, and saying rather loudly, "Fuck."

Someone wheezes from laughter, and then the table erupts in laughter. You just stare at those maniacs, wondering what the hell is so funny? But hey, at least they're not staring at you anymore. You sneak a glance at one of the personnel, and this one is barely hiding a smirk. At least they're not going to punish you or anything for breaking this flimsy plastic shit. What kind of universe could come from your glorious party's game of Sgrub where their eating utensils are made of this cheap breakable material? Actually, scratch that, this kind of stupidity is expected coming from your idiot party. You're just glad you have an excuse to not eat any more.

That excuse is thrown out the window when one of the personnel members retrieves your two fork halves and gives you a new one. Fuck. You hold it in your hand, careful not to break this one, and stare back at your food. At least you've helped most of the other people be in a good mood. You push the food around on the plate, it being a small probably prior-frozen pancake and a lump of what looks like scrambled eggs. Disgusting and vile excuses for this pitiful meal destined for early morning hours. You need to take a bite though, or else you'll be kept in here longer. As you cut a small amount of pancake onto your fork, you realize you can't do this. You're shaking as you try to put it up to your mouth, but you have to put it back down. You can't stand the thought. It's too revolting.

You manage to eat it.

You feel it drop into your stomach and it feels like shame and failure, a weight in your stomach weighing you down, making you weigh so much you're gonna break the chair. You begin to get paranoid you'll actually break the chair. You already broke the stupid little fork, breaking the chair wouldn't be that big of a surprise.

Then it hits you, the pain in your stomach twisting and churning, making you feel sick. It feels like maggots writhing in your stomach, feeding off of the food material you just stomached, it's a dead weight. A dead weight, something causing you to be heavier. You don't necessarily feel the need to get rid of it, however your stomach believes you do. You cover your mouth and your body heaves a little. The laughter around you ceases to be replaced by sounds of concern, like "Is he okay?", "Is that normal for a troll?", and "I think he's going to hurl."

You can't stand the thought of vomiting in front of all these people, and you stand up quickly, starting to run towards the vague area of wherever the bathroom is. You don't make it and end up falling onto your knees and heaving again, managing to hold it in by sheer will alone. A nurse hurries over to you and hands you a bag, which you proceed to vomit into. Not just water this time, but still a pitiful amount of material in your stomach. Shame is burning your face and you abandon the soiled bag as you run to hide in the room.

Great fucking job.

You sit in one of the corners of the room and bring your knees up to your chest, and as you wrap your arms around your legs and face into the corner, you hear the door creak open behind you.

"Mr. Vantas, are you ill?" She has a feminine voice.

You close your eyes tightly and take a deep breath, "Why don't you people understand that I can't fucking eat?" You don't think you can take the estimated weeks of this that you're supposed to deal with.

She kneels beside you and you notice she has grey skin. You face her in disbelief to the realization that she is, in fact, the troll John had told you about. Her horns are similar to Tavros', just they're not nearly as long. "So you've got an eating disorder?"

Straight to the point. "I- I guess. I just can't fucking eat. It's like when you want to sleep but there's just so many goddamn anxieties eating away at you, nothing you do allows your shithead self to get comfortable. You try and try and try but every single thing you do makes it worse, and you just end up not sleeping."

She sits down and crosses her legs, "Well, Mr. Vantas,"

"Karkat."

She smiles, "Mr. Vantas Karkat, would you prefer an alternate food choice? Something that would be easier on the stomach?"

You bite your lip, "I know I'm not fucking getting out of this, so fine, just give me something that's fucking easier."

. . . .

Today is Saturday. That means it's visiting day. You're sitting in the recreation room, doing absolutely nothing, while waiting for this wretched day to pass. You've been in here for three days and it's despairing. As you space out by thinking rather self-loathing thoughts, someone calls your name. You look up in confusion, and see one of the personnel gesturing towards the double door set that leads out to the main room. "Someone is here to see you."

Who the everliving fuck could possible want to see your sorry ass? You stand up and walk with the woman through the door set and to your surprise, you see Nepeta standing there with her moirail. They must be an odd sight. "Uhh...Nepeta?"

She whips her head towards you and her tired eyes light up immediately, "Karkitty!" She rushes towards you and hugs you painfully tight, much to a discerning comment from Equius.

"N- Nice to see you too?"

She holds your hands and walks with you towards where a table is set up with three chairs, and she sits across from you with the lumbering hulk of a moirail beside her, "I can't believe I get to see you so early on! How is it in there? Is it purrfect or is it purrison?"

You glance at Equius, and he looks as if he'll kill you if you upset her, "Uhh, I guess it's fucking fine."

"So you're not being tortured and skinned alive?"

Yep, still morbid. "Shamefully, no, but it's so goddamn boring I feel like it is."

She puts her elbows on the table and crosses her fingers, then rests her head on her hands, "I miss you Karkat. Everyone does."

A subconscious chuckle trickles from your voice, "Oh you're just saying that."

"No, really! You'd just gotten back to school, only to have you taken away again. Dave is purrticularily upset. He's been hanging out a lot with Terezi, too, like as if being with her helps his hurt."

There's an involuntary flinch response from your body, but Nepeta doesn't seem to notice. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah!" she looks at Equius, "Isn't that right?"

"Yes, it seems as if their...uhh...relationship is turning a little...red."

Your face must have either gone red or gone pale because Nepeta immediately shushes him, "No no that is not okay to say."

"Yes...it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes."

"No."

It continued that way for nearly a minute before Nepeta just ignored him. She turns her attention back to you, "I assure you, it's just friendship."

Well this has surely taken a turn for the worse. Your time is probably going to be up soon anyways. "Hey," you look at Equius, "freak, go get a drink for the lady."

He looks confused, "Like...milk?"

"Goddamn it no!" that's the first time in a while you raised your voice enough for it to be qualified as a yell, "Water, or something normal."

He just gets up and goes off to look for something. Most likely, there is not any water, he's on an endless quest, you just want a short minute alone with Nepeta. "Hey, Nep."

"Yes?"

"Make me feel something."

You reach across the table and grab her face in your hands, then you kiss her.

Did you feel anything?

. . . . .

_A/N *maniacal laughter from the background* Not only did I not update for like 6 fucking days but this one is a cliffhanger! Oooh! Next chapter will be group therapy session. (any typos tell me please, I wanted to churn this out as fast as possible and wasn't caring about spelling too much.)_


	14. Chapter 14

Yes.

You let her go and sit back in your seat. Her face is flushed olive and she's blushing so badly she looks sick by human standards. She turns her head around towards Equius, "H- Hey Eq?"

He walks back over to her, "I am dreadfully sorry I...cannot find the beverages."

"No time, Equius," she stands up, "I have feelings to talk about."

He looks back at you, then at her, "Well okay."

She smiles at you, "Goodbye, Karkitty, I'll try to see you next week, alright?" She grabs Equius by his arm as she hurries him out of the establishment and is furiously whispering in his ear, probably about you. Funny how a probably autistic cat girl can make you feel something when the boy you're dating can't. Perhaps it was just time-wise. Maybe you are getting better? You want to try again with Dave.

There is not enough time for another visitor, or even a call, however. You're being commande back behind the double door set, and you walk there without causing trouble. You're not going to make an attempt to escape yet. That would be utterly futile. You go back to the chair you had been sitting in before the interruption and sit back there, wasting time by staring mindlessly at the television. There's a show about friendship on. Ha. Haha.

The rest of the day passes with not much change from the days prior. Two more meals, which you are forced to ingest, these being softer on your stomach, then back to your room for the night. Recently you've been given strong sleeping pills, which have been working, and you have managed to sleep every night so far. Your head feels clearer this way. You go to bed. The sleeping pills, combined with the antidepressants you've been put on, work like a charm, and you fall asleep exceedingly quickly.

. . .

You are awoken around 7, to which you get dressed in your usual outfit of black and grey, and wait out in the recreation room with the other poor sods. Breakfast comes, breakfast goes, and then an announcement is made that makes you want to scream bloody murder. Group therapy. The pitiful excuse for getting each patient their allotted time of therapy that is probably mandated by some rich humans who don't give a shit about the actual people in the hospital.

After exhausting your mind thinking of a rather expansive list of possible excuses, you cannot find a plausible one, and are forced into the room with the other 'patients'. It goes through the regular routine of "Hi, my name is _ and I'm here because _," with it going around in a circle. One girl is here named Alisa for an eating disorder, one boy is here for being gay, the girl who you met on your first real day is named Lana and she's here because her parents didn't want to send her to juvie. Wonderful crowd. You're last.

"Uh," you start, aware of how quiet your voice is, "I'm Karkat." There's a round of half-assed "Hello Karkat"s from the people in the room. "I'm here, I guess, for a suicide attempt."

The leader, one of the personnel, crosses one leg over the other and faces you, "And how do you feel today, Karkat?"

"Fine," you mutter, barely audible. You don't like everyone staring at you. They've probably been waiting a while for you to talk. You don't socialize with the others, except for snappy comments when they get in your way.

One of the other kids pipes up, "How'd you try?" He is immediately shushed. You hold your arms closer around yourself. You have a feeling that gives a couple of them the implication they desire, and they turn to face the kid next to you as he keeps the line going. He's named Simon and he's here because he tried to hang himself, and apparently he's a cutter. You see the deep reddish line around his dark-skinned neck. You wonder if your neck would turn red too. While someone else is endlessly blabbing, you nudge him a little with your elbow. He looks at you and squints his eyes a little in a notion of "what?". You glance at his arms, and he looks down at them. He's got scars littering his arms, but they're on the top of the forearm, not on the underside like yours are. He glances back at you and you turn your right underarm up slightly, so he can see the lengthy longways cuts you have. His eyes widen a little bit, and when you press your arm back against your side he nods a little bit. A moment of mutual understanding that you both are fucked up. Wonderful bonding moment.

This goes on for an excruciatingly long time. Fake positivity and secretly sarcastic comments come from all of you, and you realize nobody wants to be here. They all say they're glad to be here because they're getting better, but they're not enjoying it here. It's constricting, and overall pretty goddamn brutal. You join in a little on the "I'm getting better" train because you know it's what the people want to hear. The lady running this freak show seems pretty pleased with herself, as if what she's doing is actually helping the lot of you. Fun fact, lady, you're probably fucking us all over. Finally, after an hour that felt like a sweep, you are all let go, and in a lump filled with the wonderful, not sarcastic, and totally bubbly aura of happiness you wander back to the recreation room, where you all proceed to do nothing for the next few hours.

This is how it goes for a week for you.

. . .

Six painful days pass and it's Saturday again. Visitor day. You actually have some means of excitement, because Dave said he would be visiting you today. As you dress in black pants, and to your own surprise, a red and black plaid shirt, you can't help but feel a nagging sense of dreadful anticipation. What if Equius wasn't being a blowhard and really was right about Dave and Terezi? What if Nepeta was just trying to spare your emotions so you didn't do a somersault backflip off the deep end into a pool called even-more-fucking-depression?

As you're putting on the shirt and buttoning it up, your door opens and you hear someone saying your visitor is here. You hold back a smile as you walk past her and wait beside the double door set, where she proceeds to open the pair of doors, and you walk out. You see Dave.

You can't hold in the smile that cracks your face as he grins at you from where he's sitting. You go over and sit in the chair across from him at the table. "Dave, I've fucking missed you," you reach across the table to grab his hand that's resting on the plastic of the table, and he pulls his hand away.

Oh shit.

"Karkat, there's something I need to tell you in person."

Oh fuck.

"We need to break up."

Goddamn.

You stare in shock at him, "Why?" There is an unintentional growl underneath the word.

He looks helpless as he tries to use his hands to explain something without words, then he finally finds his tongue and begins to speak, "It's complicated, Karkles."

"Kar_kat._"

He disregards your interruption, "You're just so hard to deal with."

You feel your heart drop into your stomach. You're reminded of the word 'ungrateful'.

"It's stressful for me to have to deal with these suicide attempts, and dealing with you cutting yourself. I can pretend to be strong but honestly it's too much for me. I don't want to hear about all your problems, that's what a moo-rail or whatever is for. Like Kanaya, not me. I suck with that emotional stuff, I'm good with being cool and being in cool relationships with cool dudes. Besides, you need to get better and learn to love yourself before someone can love you."

You blink a few times, "Wait wait wait, let me get this straight. You put me in here, because it'd be better for me. You know what's best for me."

"Yeah but-"

He is silenced by you holding up a finger, "But now you've decided I'm not worth waiting for, so you fucking come to my sorry ass, in a mental hospital, because that's where I'm living at the moment, and tell me all this horseshit about me not being able to be loved because I hate myself." Your breath hitches.

"Well when you put it that way it sounds kinda cruel."

Your voice is strained and taut as you hiss at him, keeping your voice below a yell, "When did you turn into the worlds biggest goddamn douchebag? Is there a douchebag contest, because if there is you should fucking enter and I guaran-fucking-tee you'll win first prize. What is first prize, you ask? Dumpworld, world of the dumps, where your body will rot along with the other douchebags who dump their hospitalized boyfriends. Mark the date."

"Hey, since when does my own mental state not matter? You're so high-maintenance, you're hot as hell but you're a stick of TNT that seems to be lit from both ends, I don't want to be around when you explode. I can't deal with you any more, I just want to cut the ties and do something else with my life."

"I assume what Equius said about you and Terezi is true, then? Y- You're back together?"

"Yeah...she's a cool dude."

Your heart is in your throat now, and you swallow it to keep it from bursting out and dripping the red blood all over the table. That wouldn't be the only red liquid coming out of you. "So we're done, then?"

"It seems so."

"What about all my stuff? The stuff you supposedly took to your place?"

He scratches the back of his head, "It's in a storage unit. Don't worry."

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, trying not to boil over and scald him, "Please leave." You feel a tear run your cheek.

"Karkat-"

You stare him down, dead into his dumb fucking glasses, "Go away, Strider, so you don't have to fucking deal with me anymore."

He breaks the stare and looks away. He gets up from his seat, and walks out the door.

You don't see him again.

. . . . . . .

_A/N Shorter chapter. Internal crying as I sink my own ships, this is NOT how it's supposed to go! I'm supposed to break your guys' hearts, not my own! Anyways, this is the second to last (or maybe third to last) chapter. I'm going to be writing the last of it in a spree of inspiration, because I am pumped, so be prepared for more chapters soon. Anyways, I have new ideas for more fics, which I will update you guys on the next chapter. I'm just getting too excited about them to keep dragging this on. After all, this world's got to end someday soon. (also you guys have no fucking idea how hard it is to be evilly writing sad parts and suddenly a song about "spooky scary skeletons" comes on and makes me die laughing)_

_*pats myself on the shoulder for doing so many subtle references to the past chapters*_


	15. Chapter 15

The rest of your time spent in the hospital was the same as it always had been. You'd done nothing but pretend you were alright, and now you're getting picked up to leave. You don't know who's picking you up, they wouldn't tell you. But you're finally leaving. Finally. You have a feeling today will be a good day.

As you pack your small amount of clothes into the bag they gave you, you think about everything that's gone on since you've been here. The girl, Lana, managed to break out. They still haven't found her. Simon got sent home a few days ago. There haven't been any new people here. You had a few one-on-one sessions with the troll worker you encountered your second day here, and she really helped you more than any of these humans ever could. But she doesn't know just how far gone you actually are. She calls you Karkat but you're not Karkat. The group therapy sessions only got more bland. You're now eating solid food, and have gained weight. You sleep every night thanks to the sleeping pills. You're supposedly back to normal.

You know you're not, though. Your dreams, when you have them, have been haunted by Strider saying you're too much to deal with, that he can't bear to listen to you complain. You're too much effort. All you can think about is being too much effort, too much of a burden. So you made it your best effort to do everything right to get out of here as soon as possible, so you can stop being an ungrateful piece of trash and let them get back to whatever they were doing.

You wait out in the hallway near the double door set until your name is called, to which you are left through the doors and out into the lobby. You sit at one of the tables until finally someone walks in to pick you up. It's Jade. You didn't expect to see her, you expected to see Kanaya or even John, but Jade? You thought she hated you. She looks at you and smiles, waving you over to the front desk, "You need to sign a paper."

"Whatever," you say, forcing your voice to be louder like it used to be. That makes her smile. You quickly sign the paper and cross your arms over your chest, "I just want to fucking leave."

Jade is still smiling as she walks with you through the doors and outside. The first time you've been outside in about four weeks. It's still as bright as you remember, and you still hate it as much as you did before. You flinch and swear at the light, much to her amusement, and as you walk across the hot black pavement she leads you towards a truck. You didn't expect her to drive a truck, but hey, points for badassery. As she gets in the driver's seat, she unlocks the passenger door as well, and you swing the door open, hopping in it.

"So?" she asks, as if that has any sort of answer that you even know.

"What?"

"Ready to go home?"

You glare at her, "I don't have a fucking home, remember, you douchebag?" Gotta litter your sentences with swears like you used to. You've got to pass as Karkat Vantas.

She laughs nervously, "Oh right, I forgot," she starts the truck and it roars to life. You hold onto the door as she swings the truck around and begins to drive. She's a fast driver, not like John is. You like how she drives much better. As she drives along the road that leads back to your old life, she asks meaningless questions about how you're doing, and all that stuff. You two, apparently, are pissed of at Strider simultaneously.

"You heard that fucking douchenozzel broke up with me, right?"

"Oh I know!" she sounds completely indignant, "He told John he broke it off with you and that whole thing blew around. I can't believe he'd do that. What was his reason that he told you?"

"Some bullshit about, uhh," you don't want her thinking you're dwelling on what he said, "he just is overconfident about his fucking bulge and decided that Terezi would be a way better fucking troll than me!"

"Bullshit!"

"I'm completely serious, he's got a hankering for her so hard I'm fucking surprise he didn't do this shit sooner!" You're yelling. You haven't yelled in so long.

She laughs. You two continue to banter for the hour long back. Apparently she doesn't hate you nearly as much as you thought. You two insult each other the entire time, though. Her calling you a self-righteous bastard over you saying you prefer swiss cheese to cheddar, and you calling her a sack of shit because she said you look better in red. You're wearing black pants today, and the read and black plaid shirt you wore when you saw Strider. A fitting day for the clothes that tore you.

It's in the late afternoon by the time you actually get back to the city. You two made a couple pit stops along the way. Twice because her truck overheated, so you had to wait for it to cool down, and once because you really wanted to lay down in the grass. Just one time.

"So, you absolute dork, where do you want me to drop you off?"

You hadn't thought about that. Where the fuck are you going to go? You guess you had planned on staying with Strider until you could get your apartment back, but apparently that's out of the question. Do you have any friends you could stay with that won't fucking turn you insane? The only person coming to mind is Sollux. "Uh, I'll have to call one of my dumbass friends about that. I didn't think far enough ahead, apparently. I'm a fucking dumbass. Can I borrow your fucking phone?"

She nods and hands you her phone, while she just drives aimlessly around the city.

[carcinoGeneticist began pestering twinArmageddons at 5:51 p.m.]

CG: HEY FUCKER.  
CG: GODDAMN IT ANSWER ME.  
TA: holy 2hiit kk calm down.  
CG: APPARENTLY I AM A DUMBASS AND AM HOMELESS.  
CG: CAN I STAY WITH YOU FOR LIKE, A FEW DAYS UNTIL I MANAGE TO FIND A FUCKING APARTMENT?  
TA: iif you don't miind beiing bothered by fef then yeah 2ure  
TA: you owe me one for thii2, by the way  
TA: 2o you're out of the loony biin  
CG: NO SHIT SHERLOCK.  
TA: niice cap2  
TA: you're back to the kk ii hate  
CG: WONDERFUL.  
CG: I STILL HATE YOU, YOU KNOW.  
TA: good  
TA: iif you diidn't hate me ii'd be concerned  
CG: WE ARE STILL FRIENDS, RIGHT?  
TA: you a2k me thii2 every tiime, ye2 we are.  
CG: OKAY. I GUESS I'LL BE OVER LATER, OR SOON OR WHATEVER.  
CG: SOMETIME TODAY.  
TA: alriight. 2ee you around, douchebag.  
CG: HEY SOLLUX?  
TA: what  
CG: TELL FEF I SAID GOODBYE.  
TA: you mean hello, riight?  
CG: SURE.

[carcinoGeneticist ceased pestering twinArmageddons at 6:12 p.m.]

After handing the phone back to Jade, you give her the directions to a place near Sollux's. You genuinely want some time to yourself before you see anyone else, though. You guess a ten minute walk would be sufficient time to cool this head of yours. You'd like that, wouldn't you. She drives to the place you gave her, and before she can ask you anything else such as 'this isn't even a house why am I dropping you off here?' you open the door and hop out. "Later, dogbreath," you shout as you slam the door shut. She yells something from inside that sounds like a 'what'. You wave for her to drive away, and after a moment of hesitation, she complies. Good, drive away, drive away like everyone else. Everyone is driven away. Everyone. Everyone.

You finally have some time to yourself away from everyone. As you start to walk, you begin to think back on what Strider had said before. You being too much to handle. With that in mind, you wonder how you can make it up to Sollux for intruding on his time. You really don't want to be a burden to anyone else. And now you're free, no ties whatsoever. No job, no school, no place, no debts. No life. You could do whatever you want. There's no-one watching over your shoulder, no-one making sure you're home every couple hours you're not in contact with them. No-one sitting there doing what they think is best for you, controlling your life, preventing you from being who you are. There's something you've wanted to do for the longest time, and now you can do it. You can fucking do it Sollux won't expect you at his place for a while, since you never even gave him a time estimate. You've signed out on that stupid phone app, so you don't have to worry about Sollux pestering you as to where you are and Jade answering. This is it, now or never. While you're entirely off the grid. You stop walking.

You turn around and begin to walk back towards the heart of the city. Tall buildings, bright lights, fast cars. The sky is a pleasant dark blue, splotched with the occasional star cluster that you can see through the lights of the city blocking it off. A few clouds illuminated by the setting sun glow with a deep lavender, adding to the lamenting tone of the sky. Now is perfect. The streetlights flicker on, and you count the spaces in between each light. There's at least thirteen steps from the start of one light to its edge, and four steps in between. Four and thirteen, four and thirteen. Ungrateful. Four thirteen, four thirteen, high-maintenance, four and thirteen. A burden. A stick of TNT, ready to explode and hurt all within range, lit from both ends and a constant bomb. That's what you are. You're revolting, you're without colour. Not a gemstone, like jade Kanaya, or gold Sollux, no you're iron. An iron infidel, someone not worthy of a title of a gem. Tonight is going to be a good night.

By the time you make it into the city, the sky has gone pitch black, with not a single star to be seen, but there are the vague shapes of what seem to be clustered clouds. Your turtleneck fits you snugly now, and it helps as it begins to snow. The pale flakes float down around you, and the humans and trolls around you make sounds of excitement. Like frozen water is that important. You look at a clock on one of the street signs. 6:44.

You have a destination in mind, you've been planning this since Strider broke up with you, no you've had this in mind since they told you they'd be sending you away. A long time in planning, finally coming into effect. All you need is an access point. You walk down the street, now lightly powdered with snow. It's kinda nice.

You can't wait.

You're not thinking straight, are you? How could you be imagining yourself like this? You're supposed to be better! No, no you're not. You never got better. You're still the same, no amount of pills could help. You stopped taking them, remember? Well, you kept the sleeping pills but managed to hide the antidepressants. You don't take them any more. All you can think about is Strider, Strider breaking you apart, tearing your heart out of your chest and bashing it on the table, making a mockery of you while he dragged it around. Now you can simply hear his voice in your head, and visualize the way he said it with a completely straight face, "I can't deal with you any more, I just want to cut the ties". "You're just so hard to deal with". " I don't want to hear about all your problems". "Learn to love yourself before someone can love you". "It's stressful for me to have to deal with these suicide attempts, and dealing with you cutting yourself."

Well Strider, how are you going to deal with it now? Are you going to pretend it never happened, like the relationship you two had never happened. You're clenching your fists and grinding your teeth, remembering every thing that happened to you. You remember the "Get over it" from the kid at school, the "Do you think he's ever been okay?" and the "he did this over a few bruises" from Kanaya. None of them know, none of them understand it! None of them see that you are not Karkat Vantas any more! You're not who they want! But now you're gone, and you've been gone, but they're not content with that. No, they want you to be who you were before. You hate who you were before. They do everything for you, without even asking what you want. Well now you're getting the power. You're doing one more thing for you with your life, even if it's the last thing you do.

You grab onto the metal siderail of a tall stone building and start climbing the steps.

Worthless, a waste of space, a depressed mess, someone who's only good at lying to get out of a mental hospital. Lana escaped her way, and you're escaping in yours. Tears sting your eyes as you walk up the zigzagged staircase to the top of the building. You're getting tired from the steps, but your determination helps you through. If Karkat could escape a deranged clown you can do this. You can do this one last thing.

You're at the top of the building, and you are aware that there is barely any light shining on you. But at the bottom there is light. You will be in the spotlight. They'll finally see you for who you are, not who you were. The white snow is too thin to do anything but melt, and oh how it will melt.

You walk up to the edge, your shoe tips are off the side of the building. You stare down at them and notice the small snowflakes powdering the fabric. Each one is individual, and people accept them, don't they? Why can't they just accept you? Why can't they accept who you are? Worthless! Ungrateful! A burden! A fucking maniac! Insane! Deranged! DEPRESSED! ALONE! FORGOTTEN!

You extend one leg out over the side rail.

A short drop.

A sudden stop.

. . .

At 7:13 p.m. your body is found. The snow around you stained candy red.

. . . . . . .

_A/N That's the last of it. I hope you all enjoyed my little addition of moreinsanethanusual!karkat at the end. A little rushed, but man, I just wanted to finish. 78 pages! Holy shit! If you guys want a brief followup chapter on how everyone takes Karkat's death, tell me, and I'll consider writing it._

_Anyways, I have a few ideas for other fanfictions. A few of my favourites are a humanstuck where the game never happened, focused on the relationships of all the characters; a sorta humanstuck involving Jack, PM, Spades Slick, and Snowman; one au about homeless!Jade meeting businesswoman!Rose and their friendship (along with relationships for each on th side), some Rosemary au's, and now some karkat/nepeta (which i have officially dubbed carpet like kar=car an nepeta having pet in the middle). So, if you want to be tagged along for the ride, tell me what you'd like to see first!_


	16. Follow Up

_A/N I want to apologize for how quickly this ended. To be brutally honest, I fucking suck with pacing, and this story began to wind off in a direction I hated. I wanted to wrap it up and be over with, because I really couldn't find a way to salvage the mess I'd made. It was beginning to effect me in ways I was getting extremely uncomfortable with, too. As for any wondering why Dave's sudden mood change, keep in mind there was nearly 2 weeks for his mindset to change. His actions are based off someone I knew who was there for me every single day, then one day out of the blue she decided I was too much work and just abandoned me. He's based off something that actually happens to people, where they begin to overthink the situation and decide to abandon the person that's stressing them out because people care more about themselves than others, it's a fact of life. They think it'll help both parties equally, without realizing the consequences. Really, this story had little plot planned out, and went haywire. I began to hate it, and wanted it done pronto. (honestly I am embarrassed and ashamed with the turnout) So I skipped a chapter straight to the end, because I have more things to write, things that have plot. See ya around, enjoy the followup, it will be the last thing posted/updated for "Hold Yourself Together"._

_. . . . ._

FOLLOW UP

Every person took the news of the death their own way.

Aradia, Sollux, and Feferi watched movies while nearly gorging themselves on ice cream.

Tavros sat on his couch and drank.

Nepeta cried alone, saying things like "Why did you do it?" and "I can't kiss you back to life."

Kanaya and Rose spent the night in bed, discussing the possible psychological reasons for his departure.

Terezi took a walk around the city.

Vriska went downtown and tagged some walls with things like Karkat's symbol.

Equius tried to make contact with Nepeta to no avail at first, eventually going over to her place himself, and letting her cry on his shoulder.

Gamzee was nowhere to be found.

Eridan watched a few of Karkat's old romcoms in respect, to see what he liked so much about them.

John and Jade talked to each other over pesterchum, Jade beating herself up over not making sure Karkat was in a safe location before driving off, and John continually trying to comfort her.

Dave spent hours making a playlist for Karkat, then playing it back to himself.


End file.
